When i was 16 (back in 2016), i got into a relationship with a 20 year old guy. Like it always is with toxic relationships-the beginning was perfect, the first 6-7 months. Everything started slowly. First it was one fight a month-but it always came out of thin air. He would break up with me, i would cry and beg him to tell me why is he doing this, then the day after or on some occasions the same day he'd say he just felt bad because of depression and that he loves me and wants to be with me. Then the fights started happening more often, always about something small (why did i eat the whole chocolate bar,even though he repeatedly said he doesn't want any). He had me tiptoeing around him. It all escalated into him holding a knife to my throat, pulling me by my hair and banging my head against the floor/wall/shelf, he'd make everything out to be my fault, forced me to put a full face of makeup and false lashes and dress up every time we have relations (which was every day-i wasn't allowed to not be in the mood). For my 18th birthday he bought me a mask, that covers my entire face but has a hole around the mouth, that way i didn't have to do my makeup EVERY TIME before sex, i could just cover my face.. how thoughtful. He'd keep me up all night even though he knew i had work in the morning because how dare i want to get some sleep when he wants to have a monologue about how terrible of a person i am, how selfish i am, how worthless i am and how i deserve to die because i showered before him and he had to wait a little for water to heat up (he didn't work at all throughout our relationship, hed say if i go to sleep he will kill me). I was constantly sleep deprived and hungry (he'd guilt trip me when i would eat, he was a skinny guy and no matter how much i catered to him and cooked for him, whatever he feels like eating and he was very picky, he refused to eat), i lost about 30-40pounds while with him. I am 5'4 and was left with 98 pounds. I wasn't allowed to talk to my friends about our fights. I wasn't allowed to spend time with anyone but him. One time he literally made a whole scene because "why is this tissue on the table". He was alcoholic. He wouldn't eat, he would drink, make me do my makeup, then start a scene over something-anything really, then around 4-5am he would throw up all over the floor or bed, and go to sleep. Id stay up till 6am cleaning then wake up at 7 for work, work all day and then come back home to him drinking and so on. I worked for his mother for about 6 months. She MAY HAVE given me 2 paychecks at most-she usually chose to give money to him instead, which he would spend on alcohol. One time he threatened me with scissors because i wouldn't give him my last 10$ to buy beer. It was only after a year of him acting like shit to me that i first time called him a bad name-said he is a jerk, and i sure did pay for it. I never started fights, always talked calmly to him, offered to pay for his therapy (which he refused to go to, 'he doesnt need help'), offered to help him find a job, i was nothing but supportive. One time, 2 years into our relationship, while we were fighting and he was pulling my hair and i was begging him to stop, to let me go, and he wouldn't, i swung my fist and ended up hitting him in the stomach. He curled up on the floor and accused me of trying to kill him.? For the bigger part of our relationship I lived with him and his parents in a very very small place, with no windows, with the roof leaking every time it rains, i would wake up with bugs crushed between my thighs. In February 2020 i finally gathered the courage to leave him. He threatened to kill himself, his mother contacted me with similar threats, guilt tripping me. It was a mess. I was a mess. After over 3 years of prison i was free. First 5 days were tough. I was confused. Happy to be free, but the habit of being with him was making me feel like i miss him. Soon enough i realised i had no feelings for him for a while even before our breakup. I just felt stuck. About a month after our breakup i got into a new relationship-a guy i met two days after the messy breakup. I told him everything I've been through before starting the relationship, i talked to him about my trauma and asked him on multiple occasions if he is really fine being with a mess like me (my father was/still is aggressive, my sister has backstabbed me multiple times, mother threatened me with mafia...really really stressful life ive had) I was scared i wouldn't be able to be in a healthy relationship, i was scared of hurting him. He was so sweet to me, so understanding, and after a month of flirting and going back and forth about weather or not he is really sure he wants to be with me, i gave in. We have been together for 10 months now, he never even raised his voice in my presence, when he accidentally nudges me in his sleep he spends 10 minutes apologizing and cuddling me, carries me to the bed when i fall asleep on the couch, cleans the entire house before i get home from work (even though he works too-remote) so i can rest. He appreciates everything i do for him and returns it. I feel calm, i feel safe, and above all, for the first time in my life i know what it feels like to be unconditionally loved, i am experiencing actual, healthy love. I accidentally dropped a glass bowl and it shattered. He didn't get mad-he told me not to move and put his shoes on to CARRY me out of the glass, terrified because my toe was bleeding a little. For the first two months of our relationship i would cry happy tears when he would bring me a glass of water to hydrate without me asking him. Someone being so caring was so foreign to me. We are renting an apartment together for the past 3 months, that place is my safe haven. The other day he told me something that had really shaken me up. He said that when he accidentally wakes me up a little throughout the night i get super scared and start covering my face and saying "nonononono no please no". I was not aware of that.. when he noticed how shocked i was he asked me did i really not know that, he was sure i was aware. I knew about my little ticks when someone makes a sudden move, flinching, i knew that when someone yells at me i will definitely start crying and if the person is very angry while screaming i would get a panic attack. But I didn't know he has to deal with me being so scared during the night. He said i often have bad dreams, that i whine in my sleep, i never remember them though. He is always babying me, and while i could afford therapy, my therapist would tell me that that is good, i should allow myself to be babied and cared for. He gives me so much affection and love and i really do feel safe and calm, but this fear i have is... Scaring me? I'm scared of what else I'm suppressing. I can't afford therapy now, since my paycheck was cut in half due to covid (doesn't stop my boss from having me work 9 hours, 6days a week though..) but i really don't wanna leave this trauma alone, i wanna help myself, but i dont know how. I often get stressed lately-due to not being home a lot (takes me 1 hour to get to work and 1.5 hours to get home due to terrible public transport so im not home for about 11-11.5 hours every day, six days a week) and my paycheck is currently 240$ a month which is less than minimum wage in my country (Serbia). Our rent alone is 250€, with all utilities added to the rent, it comes to about 400€-and my boyfriend pays for that. So im not home most of the time, i can't take any financial pressure off of him, and I can't even cook for him (i really enjoy cooking) because by the time i get home im up for nothing, I can't even take over some house chores because i don't have the time-he does most of them. So he takes care of bills and chores and takes care of this little emotional, scared person (me). I'm scared it's too much for him, and almost every day i ask him if he's okay, if he feels too much pressure, i don't want him to feel overwhelmed. He keeps saying he's fine and I'm amazing and he wants to learn to cook so i dont have to worry about that either, he wants to help me make time to get back to drawing and doing things i enjoy and him taking so many responsibilities just to help me is just unbelievable to me... How can someone be so amazing.. How can someone so amazing be with such a mess.. Still, i would like to make it easier for him somehow, he didn't deserve to deal with my fear-he did nothing to cause it- yet every night he hears me whimpering and holds me, continuingly telling me he loves me, telling me he won't let anyone hurt me ever again, "i got you, always"... He deserves to be with the person i was before all the trauma, he deserves the little ball of positivity i used to be. He does see it though, my child like happy pappy part of me was never gone, just pushed back and hidden, and he is bringing it out a little more every day. But as i said, for a while now I've been stressed, and the progress was put on pause. I've been emotional and quiet. I always tell him he did nothing to cause it, i keep reassuring him that we are fine, i love him so much, i never want him to think he made me feel bad because he not once did. I simply wish i knew a way to get rid of the stress and fear. I wish i knew a way to stop overthinking and worrying all the time. I don't know what to do..