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Trial by Fire.

I went from being an absolute NEET, with no college education or job experience, to having a boatload of responsibilities and having to find a job and pay for rent all within the span of a week. I'm terrified out of my mind, but also excited for what this new opportunity has in store for me. I get to leave a dysfunctional family household and live with my closest friends, in an area I'm actually familiar with instead of the middle of nowhere. I'm scared that I'll fail. I don't know what I'm getting myself into and it's all new for me and I don't know if I'll be able to make it. I know I'm surrounded by people that support me and are willing to help, but I'm also afraid I'll let them down and be a burden to them.


I also feel like I've irreparably damaged my relationship with my family. I didn't turn out like they wanted to and I spent so many years doing nothing. For so long they've been nothing but kind to me but recently I can tell my lack of action has taken its toll. They're tired. I'm tired. They tried to make me join the military in hopes of me finding a proper path, and I almost did. However, somewhere down the line I realized I'm nowhere near mentally strong enough for something like that. I almost ended it all, but I managed to keep myself together. Nowadays, they seem indifferent or even apathetic. I think they just want me gone now, and that's exactly what I'm doing. Despite that, I still feel sorry. They're starting to get old and I know they're still reliant on me, but I can't be there for them forever. I can barely keep myself going so how am I supposed to help them as well? I'm sorry, but I need to work on myself before I can truly help you out. And in a way, my rapid ascension into independence is relieving them of a major burden as well, so they should be happy right? I don't know.


I'm not really sure why I even wrote this. I guess I just wanted some place to write my thoughts down concisely before I move on. The past few days have felt surreal and it's still taking some time to process it all. The next few months are going to be interesting, to say the least. I'm not entirely sure how this site works but if I make it through all this, I'll try and post an update here if anybody bothers reading this. Thanks.


-P