5 months ago
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trigger warning: abuse abd r*pe

i don’t care who sees this, i just need to let it out. i was mentally and sexually abused as a kid and i’m now turning 20. i feel like it made me quite an awkward person and i’m really sensitive to hurting others and stepping on people’s toes. as i get older, i’ve become increasingly angry, even when i think i’m happy. i was r*ped around this time of year and my desire for hurting myself becomes so intense. i sometimes hide in the bathroom and slap and punch myself in the face... i even strangled myself. i want someone else to do it, to feel all my inner pain bubble to the surface. i feel like i would pay someone to beat me up if i really had to. i just... need to hurt. i want to feel that fuzzy light headed feeling and the intense pain of recovery. just for it to happen all over again. i know i’m disgusting, but i’ve tried therapy, medication, self change— nothing has worked, and i feel suffocated by what is, essentially, my fetish.

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5 months ago

Re: trigger warning: abuse abd r*pe

I am so sorry you are going through this. I also was raped, sodomized and orally over and over starting when I was around 6 or so. I was dragged to the edge of an open grave in a cemetery and threatened with death if I talked, I had broken bones, pushed in boiling water and hospitalized for a long time. I always had this overwhelming feeling of shame and became very codependent, not feeling as if I had any worth as a human being, never loved, and that my worth depended on pleasing someone else. Whats worse when I told my parents anyway, they did nothing and my father brought home pedo's over and over and then molested me himself. My childhood was like a concentration camp. I really never talked about it all with anyone. I do want to tell you some things though. We should not carry the shame of this, it is not ours , it is theirs, we deserved love then and we deserve it now. You can't help how these experiences twisted you, they left terrible scars on me too. It's not your fault don't hate yourself. It is a release mechanism for all the pain and anger you are carrying around. If I knew you I would hug you and tell you that the child in you deserved better and still does. I hope you don't give up on therapy or yourself. There are good loving people out there. It is especially hard right now with this dam virus. Just know I understand and I do care. <3

i dont have the answers your looking for and no one probably will for a while somethings like this will take all of your life to cope with. not all of it can be solved in one day. i know it sucks to hear this and you probably already knew or had a feeling that this was the truth but thats the truth. youll have weird confusing dreams and youll probably go into a mistrusful survival mode response. your probably just being haunted every single day and night by what happened. i know that your growth as a human being took a really big hit.....but you gotta continue being human....at the end of the day were all swallowing our pride.....