I don't necessarily feel guilty over anything, but I'm scared. And I know there are probably a lot of people out there who are too. My anxiety is slowly picking away at every part of me, grinding me down to nothing. And I can tell you why. That's why I'm here after all. So if you'd like to stick around and listen to all of my attachment issues and everything going on inside my head, you're welcome too. My worst fear is abandonment, I cannot stand the thought of losing the people I care about, and I get attached to people as easily as velcro does to cotton. I have diagnosed with anxiety and depression but refuse to take medication, that's a story for another time. Anyways, there's this boy... yes I know, classic 16-year-old girl story, but hear me out. This is a very complicated timeline so, please, bear with me. We met in September 2019, were best friends till about March 2020 when we started talking. April 2020 rolls around and we have a falling out. This was because of a mistake I made. Then in May of 2020, we started talking again. I had to gain back his trust which was and is completely understandable and I regret the choices I made. On July 12th, 2020, we started dating. That was one of the happiest days of my life. I gave everything to this boy, you don't understand how much I trust him. I have done things for him that I would never imagine doing for anyone else. For example, losing my virginity. That was a really scary thing for me and even though I've already done "it" the thought of doing it again frightens me. I've also snuck him into my house multiple times, this was because my parents were really worried about COVID and they wouldn't really let me see him. Separation anxiety anyone? I understand some of you reading may think I'm overdramatic or something along those lines and, trust me, I understand. Anyway, I put so much faith and trust into him it's not even funny. But, long story short my parents found out about "it" because my mother has access to my doctor records and all of that good stuff. They took away my phone privileges and I now have software on my phone that monitors my every move. But because of this and my parents' overall strictness, we broke up sometimes between August 20th and the 25th. We said to each other that we wouldn't mess around with anyone and that everything would be the same as before. I stuck to that, he did not. He messed around with at least three girls on multiple different occasions and I've seen screenshots of him saying he used me to get back at his ex. I overlooked all of this because I love him and I'm so unbelievably attached to him. After all of this, I eventually ended up telling him that he kept hurting me and I couldn't deal with it and blocked him on everything, and he got mad at me for texting a boy. That happened on December 17th I believe (or the 16th but it doesn't exactly matter). I forgot to block his mom's phone number and he called me about 3 weeks after I blocked him. In these past three weeks (yes, we're pretty close to present-day now), I tried to tell myself I was ok and that I was over him; as you'll notice in a second, I was very wrong. I would have anxiety attacks and nightmares, wake up crying my eyes out. I came so close to calling him so many times. I also contemplated hurting myself or even killing myself, I even considered taking medication because it was that bad, and as I said earlier, I don't ever think about that. But when he called me he told me that he was sorry and he knew I hated him. He asked if we could start over, go from friends, to best friends, to what we were before. He then asked if I could just get over with it and say no so he could stop holding his breath. I told him I was ok with that. It's been three or four days since then. My trust for anyone and everyone doesn't exist anymore, I question anything anyone says to me and I definitely don't trust a word he says. The only reason I decided to come write this was because I don't trust any of my friends enough to tell them this and I needed to get it out. I don't know what to do, I'm so scared but I'm also willing to put my heart on the line again to try to make it work. I love him so much, I was supposed to see him this past Christmas, but I never got to because I blocked him before that. I can't just be friends with him, and I can't let him go, he has my heart. I would like to point out that he did a lot of other things that were pretty awful but I didn't want to bore you with the details. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I appreciate it more than you could ever comprehend. If you're going through something, anything, I believe in you and I'm proud of how far you've come. You can overcome anything. That being said it's almost 2:15 in the morning so I'm going to try to sleep and not be overtaken by my thoughts. Be safe :)