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Truth is, I don't want to die, but I want to disappear

Often times, I feel like dying. I've lately dreamed of ways to do so, like jumping off a bridge or getting hit by a train. When my ex and I were together, I used to think about the ways he could help me die to get out of here. He's from a separate part of the state so many people wouldn't know to look for me there. I thought of hiring him as a hit man and having him cut off my limbs to make it easier to carry (stuffing them into a trash bag), and throwing them into the nearest river.


You may ask why I have these thoughts. Simple: I'm lonely. Mental health has been really hard to battle with, thus leading to poor social skills and little to no healthy relationships. I have a hard time making friends and I try not to open up to people without the fear that I'll annoy them or that I'm overthinking the situation. I feel like a burden on so many. I'm misunderstood because I'm closeted about my personality in hopes I don't become the target for bullying or teasing. Truthfully, no one will understand what goes on inside my head except me.