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Trying to figure myself out.


Now I know there are enough sad articles and stories, but I want to say something too.

So I'm going through that phase where I can't take the 'study pressure' anymore. I mean I can, but I just don't want to anymore. I'm not on the verge or something but I just need someone to understand that I don't like this pressure thing. I don't deal nicely with pressure. I'm one of those shy ambiverts who just shouldn't be left alone with their thoughts.

I'm one of those kind hearted people that you can always trust. I'm not gonna be modest here cause it is definitely a trait people take advantage of. I once called a friend to know about the homework in class and I was like really late on homework but still I heard her voice crack and she wanted to end the call but I kept talking to her. The point is, I was there for here. And I truly was cause I had to stay up the night covering for the 1-2 hours on the call. Cut to, she only calls me for work and shit. Practically uses me. But that's okay with me cause it's the smallest of my concerns. And there are numerous such cases.

The thing is I cannot keep anything bad on my conscience.

I am a TRUE BELIEVER of the FACT that absolutely no human is selfless. I know you disagree but listen. All the good deeds people do is to keep their conscience clear like they don't wanna be the reason. They don't wanna not help when they can and feel guilty for that. I don't know how to explain this better.

I am your average, 'mom thinks I'm the prettiest but the guys don't' girl. Self confidence does not exist. Cannot socialize with strangers. Denies to acknowledge people flirting with me cause why would they? The - I do love myself but I just don't.

I'm like the Schrödinger's cat, in the case where I can simultaneously love and not-love myself until put in a situation/seen. I can be intimidated so freaking easily, it's sad.

Awkward. Caring. Kind. Loyal. Shy. Nerd(if you don't know me). Fun( when you get to know me). Sarcastic. Good 2AM person to call. Helpful. Cute(personality wise). Wanderlust. Modest. ( this post doesn't prove so but I don't compliment myself unless it's in humour). Smart. Lacking self confidence. Cheerful.

These are some things about myself that people would say. This is me. And I'm really trying to love myself. Just sometimes, my thoughts get the better of me.