it's getting bad again. i can feel it slowly starting to gain control of my life again, i counted the calories i ate again today for the first time in so long. it's so hard trying to explain how i feel to people who don't get it, and the people that do get it, they relate of course but they still don't fully get it. my mum told me the other day that she could see me gaining some weight in my face and the thought of that literally repulsed me.
but on the other hand, my boyfriend told me that he had noticed i'd lost weight in my thighs. i didn't even realise i had lost weight until he pointed it out. i got new work trousers and they're so tight on me that i have to suck in and zip them up. i don't know how to feel. i found an old measuring tape and measured my waist and it's almost 4 inches bigger than it used to be just a few years ago. i make myself sick at the thought of having to eat so i don't. i'll drink a cup of tea or a glass of water as a meal replacement or just sleep the hunger off if it gets really bad. i work in fast food, so on our break we have to eat. i'll starve myself that entire day until i go to work and eat, and then i won't eat after that.
i've never been actually diagnosed with an eating disorder, yet my friends are all telling me they think i'm anorexic. i don't think i am but i don't honestly know.