!!TW!! idk anymore

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I dont know if ill ever be okay. Ive been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and i was prescribed medication but my mom didnt allow me to take the medication. But i need it. I want it. I don't know any other way to deal with this. Its getting so bad i just wanna kill myself. i have scars on my wrist that im embarrassed to let anyone see so i always try to wear long sleeves or keep my hands down or wear bracelets. I've witnessed too many things as a kid. I hate that im like this honestly i cant think of anything im useful for or even worthy for. Ive bottled my emotions up so much that i came to THIS website to just try n let it out i mean yeah duh i can talk to someone but i just cant i cant tell anyone i just feel so embarrassed and small if i do. i also hate that i leave people b4 they leave me idk why but i just sometimes feel like i need to and i cant do long relationships bc by the end of the first or 3rd month i get sick of them and get so annoyed and think they're obnoxious. Many friendships have ended because i just end up getting mouthy with them bc i think theyre annoying even if they didnt do anything wrong. sometimes i hit/harm myself to relieve stress or starve myself as "self discipline". My room is always a mess my grades are shit i have a bad attitude im mouthy and i dont get along with people. I freeze up when speaking to people and try my best to avoid long conversations and eye contact. sigh idk what else to do im just so lost right now well ive always felt lost. tbh i think its better if i just died