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|TW| please let me go

i feel like nobody cares for me, my friends just talk to me less and less im on the verge of breaking and when i told my friend i wanted to kms she didnt talk to me for 3 months, she constantly says she has depression and wants to die but she then tells people to kys, i dont know what to do shr constantly calls me fat and im sick of it nothing is good im a disgusting waste of space and whenever i message people or talk to people i feel like im bothering them, if i talk to people about my issues i just feel so selfish and rude im honestly sick of my life. as a song once said "i dont want to die but i dont wanna live like this anymore i just want to feel something, something real" except im too scared because what if i eventually do something and it doesnt work, im gonna have to talk to people and my mum will feel bad because i feel like she will take it as she has been a bad parent and hasnt taken care of me and hasnt given me a good life. so im just dragging myself along hoping i dont fall because if i fall i wont be able to get back up and i will slowly sink down until im being destroyed by everything that i face and i wont be able to take it like i did before, i hate everyone and i get angry at the smallest things why do i look like this why am i so ugly so useless and disgusting why cant i be like everyone else, everyone is pretty and im just a fat ugly disgrace of a person i feel bad that some people have to look at me everyday i make life worse for people because they have to hear me everything will be so much easier if im gone, i dont even want to talk to anyone about it or go to a doctor to get diagnosed with depression or anything because i feel like im just seeking attention and just wanting people to feel bad for me please just let me go i dont want to be here...