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tw: suicide

i want to tell a story of mine that involves being in a manipulative, toxic relationship in the past for three years despite being a minor back then and i don't know if i can honestly label it as an experience of sexual harassment, because i don't want to be called "assuming", but i really felt that way. and even if i had a normal life before it, this experience made me severely depressed upto this day.

but it will take too long for me to write everything because in the middle of writing, my emotions heighten and i don't even know if i can recall everything correctly. it will also take too much time. i even started writing about this before i erased everything just because i was too tired to continue it. everything is just so traumatic but i always remember it in the middle of the day and i can't focus on anything anymore.

i have no one to open up to about this because i have no friends that i am comfortable opening up about this and i don't want my family to know about this because i'm asian and i don't want them to be disappointed with me. also, i tried to open up with my family that i want to consult someone with my depression but they didn't believe me and thought it was just stress.

but i just really want to let this out because i'm severely depressed and i can't even seek for professional help secretly because of this pandemic. i'm also monitored a lot recently that they might see mee seeking for help online and i can't let them know about this.

i'm just really lost that i'm seriously thinking about comitting suicide, if it wasn't just for the thought of the money spent and the love and time and effort that my family gave me while they raised me up. but outside that, i just want to throw my life away.

i honestly don't give a crap if someone says me that i'm a significant part of the society because i'm not. i honeslty don't care about anything anymore. i just don't want the people who love me to feel sad about my death but the feeling of wanting to die will never get away.