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Ugly childhood that destroyed my life

I am a 21 year old girl who is carrying this burden of dark past from last 10 years and this is the first time I am sharing this with anyone.

  • It all started from very early age of my life when I was probably 4yr old too small to even know about this cruel world where we live in. My family driver and a servant sexually assaultedand for 3 long yrs.No matter where they find place whether it's a car, garage,rooftop or my own bedroom,they were fucking everywhere.I didn't had that much of sense to know that what was happening to me was right or wrong.And when I cry they used to say that don't cry and never share this to anyone otherwise police will put you in a jail.They built up my mind in such a way that I used to think that it's all my fault and used to hide myself from cops.
  • Around the age of 12 I realised that I was sexually assaulted by those assholes.And they used me for their sexual pleasures.It was a lot to take in as a child of that young age.I didn't know what to do next neither i had the option of telling my family bcz they were so busy in their own shit.This would have never happened if they genuinely cared about me.
  • After that as time passed by I had many suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety and the worst thing there is no one to listen to your problems and could say that yes don't worry I'm here to help you.Many days and nights passed thinking of putting this life to an end.But one thing which stopped me of doing suicide are my dreams. Only to fulfill my dreams I m still alive otherwise I would have died.I can't give up my dreams bcz of those two fuckers.
  • Keeping all these things within me for so long time is haunting me.Day by day these thoughts are getting worse.I was wrong that I will forget all those things.I can't able to focus on anything bcz of those horrible events.Never had anybody in my life whom I can tell everything.It's too late to tell anybody about my past and suppose if I tell my family or friends then of course I would feel little less burdened but my life would not be the same and I will loose all my freedom. But I really need someone in my life to whom I can tell all my secrets and could cry my heart out and tell that what I have been through in all my life.And the person should ready to accept me as I am without any questions.