It’s quite simple really, I’m a dumbass kid who decided to dip my toe into the ever deep pool of what every teen perceives as love. I have always been the girl who looks mean and is told that she is a slut when really she is oblivious to guys feelings for her and is still a vergin. Most of the guys I have ended up falling for never really cared. They just wanted the sex and the thrill and to have the “pretty girl” on their arm. But behind closed doors it was horrible I would constantly be pressured into things that I didn’t want to do. Six guys have done this to me now and it haunts me. But this one boy... this one brown eyes goofball who I have known my whole life... but never really payed attention to... sure I always thought he was cute but he was so quiet that he went unnoticed. Then he went to a mental hospital. And for some reason I couldn’t stop thinking about him. This boy who I have known for so long was suffering and I didn’t know. I saw him nearly every day for years. But after while he got better to everyone’s relief. Fast forward to this year and all of a sudden this boy wants to talk to me. This boy who never wants to talk to anyone wanted to talk to me. We became friends and I snuck out one night to hang out with him. You would think this would be dumb but nothing happened. Nothing except he told me how he felt about me and shared a blanket with me. We kissed but he never once put his hands where he knew they didn’t belong and he always asked what was ok. From then on we were close. Close enough that he would dance with me in the middle of a classroom for no reason and we would laugh as our friends made fun of us. None of it mattered. This boy and me finally decided to make one another happy in this small town. We spend days laughing and matching each others goofy energy. It was amazing it made me WANT to do things with him but he never pressured and we didn’t do anything because we were gonna wait till I was sure. He was the first guy to EVER outwardly say that I was in charge on that. But only about a month and a half in, his mom decides he is going to be moving to Arizona. We live in Montana. And he didn’t want to leave me but I told him not to worry about me and that he has so much opportunity there. So he left. I cried some but I have never cried very much over anything ever. But lately Iv been acting like everything is just fine and it doesn’t affect me. I’m all good and still the happy chill girl who is lowkey popular but doesn’t feel really a part of any one group. But it hurts a lot. I imagine us cuddling sometimes because he was the first boy I ever slept on. I felt safe enough to fall asleep in his arms because I knew he wouldn’t do anything without my permission. And now, I am sitting on my bed, numb, wondering what the fuck do I do now?