Im nonbinary but assigned female at birth, i'm also just 11 turning 12 in feb 3. I feel so disgusting because i still haven't shower for like 3 days or 4 because i'm so unmotivated, that feeling when you know that should be getting up but can't do it, you know that feeling?. I notice myself getting more angrier than ever, if something just doesn't go right i'd be so furious even though in the past i'll just let it go and forget it but now every little thing my siblings does that's even just a little bit mistake i'd be so mas at them and internally wanting to kill them, so when i feel like hurting them I'll just hit myself secretly when they're not looking because i can't fight them especially they're older than me and much stronger. I still haven't done my school works because i can't stand up nor go out in my room anymore but except when eating but i bring my food in my room and also eat in my room. I keep telling myself that i should do my school works, shower and atleast clean our house. Well in the past when dad's still not drinking and didn't have another girl, i use to clean everytime, the bathroom, the rooms, everything. I was so motivated back then but now looking back at it i want to be like that again but i really can't even i kept telling myself. I don't know but please people don't hate on me, so i just randomly search 'am i bipolar' ( im not self-diagnosing !! ) then i just click on it then i find the questions kinda relatable and most of my answers are yes and at the end it said that i have bipolar 2, so i just go on and on on other quizzes then it all said i have bipolar 2, but then again im really not diagnosing and i do understand how hard it is so please forgive me if i ever offended you. I've also just recently got anxieties attack yesterday because nobody's home and there's my thoughts again saying that someone's peeking on me, in any little holes that they could peek into, that's why i cried and cried because i just remembered my 6-9 years old self that would always be alone in at house because my siblings and parents are working and studying by the time my class end, i always cry everytime because i always feel like someone's watching me or gonna steal me while no one's home, no other relatives can watch me because they're all on other cities and nobody actually could be trusted in our neighbourhood. Actually, everytime im crying i somehow kinda want to hurt myself more by looking at pretty girls or aesthetic people in general on pinterest, cause i think that i deserve it. Have you ever silent scream crying? like when you're crying and silently screaming because you don't want to people to hear you, that's exactly what i do everytime i cry. I'm really jealous of those tiktok videos where they scream, i really want it so bad. I hope i explained my feelings clear and clean, im really bad at explaining in english because im asian and know english a little. I hope everyone's alright !! It's raining here now in my country so please everyone be careful !!