Words are easier written than spoken. I rather write my worries than tell it to anyone. Why? Because I don't think someone would care.I've been feeling lonely these days. Not to the point of depression, I guess. I have friends but we're not the messaging type. We do call and text sometimes but of course we have our own lives to live. So lately, I have been messenging my sister and bugging her all the time. Video calling her every night. Sometimes she's annoyed so I just apologized and said, sorry if I have no one else to talk to. I have been feeling pathetic because of it. But now, I can't do that anymore. She just started her med school and she's been very busy since then. So I could no longer bother her whenever I want to.My parents would ask me to do something and I said no, I was busy then. They told me to do it because my sister couldn't as she's busy. I snapped, I am busy as well. I am working. These days, I don't think they appreciate me as much as they appreciate my sister. Since they are living together, they spend much more time together. I have been away from them ever since I started college except for a few days of vacation every now and then. So I really envy my sister for being with them right now. I admit, I am jealous of her. Ever since she was born, attention was on her. I dealt with that already. But sometimes, hearing words such as, "why can't you be as sweet as your sister" hurts a lot. I hate being compared to anyone, much more to my younger sister. We have been compared a lot when we were younger as she is the smarter one, the sweet one, and everything I am not. Whereas, I only became an achiever when I was in high school. By then, I started to feel that my parents are proud of me. But that's it. My sister will always be better, since she's in the medical field, she's able to help a lot more people making my parents even prouder.She's now on her journey to becoming a doctor, her dream, and my parents dream. While I am stuck in my career not knowing where will this lead me. My mom wanted me to become a lawyer, but I am afraid of disappointing them. Maybe that's why I have been making excuses of not entering law school. I had been my mom's disappointment when I was young and I never want to feel that again. My mom belittling me in front of so many people back then just because I couldn't answer a question scarred me more than I realized. But now, as I'm writting this, am tearing up just by remembering it. So I really don't want to disappoint her again. But I guess, I am now disappointing myself. I really want to be a lawyer. But that will be a dream that will never be realized from now on. I lost my chance. My sister started med school so my family's financial resources are focused on her. But then, I am making excuses again. I am just afraid of disappointing my mom and myself. When will I be happy? Satisfied with what I have? Who knows. But for now, I'll just focus on myself. Gaining confidence and independence. I just hope someone could be there for me. But then again, I have to be there for myself first. Maybe that's why God put on hold His relationship plans for me. I should be stronger.