My mom left me when I was 9 y/o for another man and came back and told me she need me in her life and that she want to grow old with me, spend her whole life with me while dumping me over and over and over again. Or maybe it's just me who thinks that because she never really left ever since she came back when I was 9 but I still feel so far away from her. I feel far from everybody and myself. I feel so alone, hopeless. She thinks of me as a source of income and now I'm trying to pick myself up 'cause I can't give up. I just can't even though I have tried it many times and failed. It's been 9 months since my last attempt but shit thoughts is still on my mind. I badly want to just lay down and think about nothing. I badly want to rest and just let the world spin without me in it. I badly want to be gone.