Its been a few months since I to kill myself and ultimately wasn't able to go through with it. And I'll be honest after that things got a bit worse. It was always one thing after another from the start of this year and I no longer have any friends as a result of all the shit that was thrown my way, but I can confidently say I'm happier than I've been in a long LONG time. I told my mom about my struggles with suicidal thoughts, and my increasing panic/anxiety attacks and she understands. I'm not currently seeking therapy because we arent in a financial situation to do so and I dont feel comfortable with that yet but I'm getting better. This past month I've smiled more than I have in what feels like years. I still have days where I feel alone because everyone I put my trust in outside of my family has abandoned me, but I feel it was probably for the best because I've learned a lot from the experience. That it's okay to say no, not everyone is going to like you and that's okay, never lower your standards when you know what you want and finally that setting boundaries is healthy and if someone doesn't respect that boundary they dont need to be a part of your life. I'm still struggling to find motivation to do things that I enjoy and want to participate in, but overall Id say Ive made a lot of progress. I feel good for the most part.
Anyways I know this is really long but this was more to update the people who were really worried when I first wrote on here. I'm letting you know I'm doing better and I truly appreciate the kind words given to me, it has helped me more than you could ever know :)