I wish I had run away today, I have a plan and a bag packed with all the essentials I need except I need more tablets to take with me, because I really won’t be well if I don’t, so I have to wait for them then I can go. Today I have felt v muddled and confused off and on not all day I’ve also felt v anxious and agitated. I had the plan in my head and I have all the notes about how to get there and what to say when I get there and where to stay. Once I get all my meds there really won’t be anything to stop me except of course my whole support system will be back home. But I just have this urge in me to run it’s as strong as the urge to die but I don’t really want to die not deep down having the bag packed next to my bed makes me feel a little calmer. I guess either is my answer to a way out of how I’m feeling, I suppose I could run away and then kill myself at least then my family wouldn’t have to find me dead in my room some other poor soul would instead I guess. I suppose I could drown myself in the sea? I do like the seaside after all and that’s where I’m headed so I could take a few Valium and maybe a sleeping tablet and just walk into the sea. At least I will be relatively calm so it won’t hold me back and then maybe know one would have to find my body I wouldn’t want to leave anyone mentally scarred. I head feels like a scrambled mess I can’t think straight at all I can’t make a simple decision remember anything even deciding what to do in a day or to have for tea is too much for me. People ask me questions and I struggle to find the answers so I usually say I dunno and my daughter always asks what have you done today or what do you want to do today and I say nothing or I dunno. Cause I don’t know I haven’t a bloody clue I only know one thing and that is I can’t take much more of this my brain is an absolute jumble as the days go on I feel more and more lost and confused and having more weird thoughts and delusions which I know aren’t accurate like today I questioned for some reason if my duvet was liquid and that’s why it wouldn’t stay in the right position but I knew obviously it wasn’t liquid as it’s a duvet but I can’t helphaving them and in turn they make me even more anxious because they make me feel as if I’m going insane I wish this was psychosis in a way cause then at least they could give me anti psychotics to help. These increased delusions suicidal urges intrusive thoughts it’s all too much for my brain to process. And I think I am slowly but surely but they all tell me I’m not that’s just anxiety. Now I’m laying here basically ignoring NOT neglecting but ignoring my daughter because of how I feel, she deserves so much better than me so so much better. They’d both be better off without me here both her and my husband (well he’s basically my husband) I will get more meds fri so I guess sat will be the day to go!! God I want to harm myself now!! Or try and kill myself!!!