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Things are so good for me far enough. I am able to live well, eat well and sleep well. But I am not at all helpful. To the people I hold dear to myself, I know what a big of a bitch I am. I am just leeching off of them and I have been so useless.

They are financing my education because they love me and as a parent, they are doing everything they can to make my future good. They never forced me.

But no matter what, I can just not convince myself to work hard. Not even for my own sake. I am pursuing my loved subject but now everything seems such a big mistake.

I can not believe how horrible I am.

I feel utterly useless and shameless.

I really want to do something for them and the best would be to work hard and become someone respectable. But here I am bitching about myself and just laying on the bed like it is no big deal.

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Re: Useless

I understand how you feel.

I feel exactly like that.

Do you sometimes feel like vomiting from the hatred you have for yourself?

Do you sometimes feel like you're being dramatic over how sad you feel?

Do you have nothing to be sad about, but is sad anyways?

Do you sometimes self-sabotage and try to self-pity even though you feel like you're going through nothing?

Cause..I feel that way about myself (too?).

I suggest that you should try ignoring these feelings and distracting yourself with something you like.

Just remember that you're not useless.

I don't know how I even get rid of this feeling, but it goes away eventually.

Sure, it will return, but at least for a small amount of time...

You actually don't feel as bad about yourself.

good parents love their children. Just accept that.

Potential. This will sound bogus; but I believe I could have played pro football or baseball. Not saying I would have. Injuries may have occurred. Theres also a fine line between college & pro players.

But I know I could have played college at big schools because I was being told that in high school. I have relatives who did & was better than them. I’d play their friends & beat their friends who did play college ball.

So I say why did I waste my talent?

Well in life not everyone is driven. You can let things consume you.

My kids were elite athletes. Even in middle school people would show up & watch my kids then talk to me. I’d find out they were from some big college.

But my kids hated practice. Wanted to have fun. Or would get bored with a sport. I let them change sports & then quit sports. Why? Has to be their dream not mine.

I did try to teach academics. They are smarter than they are athletic. But I only said I’d like an A but am happy with Bs.

I was the top student in high school & college. Unofficially tested as a genius several times. Would never take official test. I have 7 degrees.

My wife has 3 degrees. B student. Ended up making more $ than me.

All those degrees I got meant nothing. Making easy As in Physics was meaningless.

Jobs are more about politics & socializing. I’m a very sweet autistic. I don’t lie at work or back stab. So I’d get passed over. I realized people stole my ideas to progress themselves.

I realized due to my autism I was treated worse. I was given more work; the hardest stuff to solve; yet paid less than most. I’d also be yelled at at work. I’d be mocked for reading my Bible & not womanizing or drinking. Behind my back people mocked my disability. I never told anyone I’m disabled. Not on my resume. But people realize it. So I’d walk up & see people mocking my autistic behaviors.

It hurt. I’m very sweet to people. Yet people were often nasty to me. That’s just life.

But you know what. I still went home & enjoyed my life. I was still a good dad; husband, & citizen.

So relax. Just be the best you can be & enjoy life.

I had a cousin. I was much better at sports than him. I’d toy with him. He went pro. Then he had kids. He thought of injuries because his head hurt a lot. He told no one & retired. He was one of those low level pros so no one noticed or cared.

He doesn’t make a lot of money; but he’s happy, & he’s a good dad.

Be happy. Enjoy life. A lot of rich people are miserable. Being in the space science field I met a lot of people with millions. You’d be amazed how many were single or divorced & miserable. One lived in a house full of dogs. I realized I was lucky to be both smart & happy. I didn’t have the drive to push like them. But I did enjoy life.