I don’t want to be a good daughter, but I have to be because my parents are old and ill. They’ve done anything for me, except give me a home, a house, and a life. They’ve never emotionally support me,yet I’m indebted to them materially. I hate my obligation towards my parents, I blame them for what I am. I hate my dad’s incapable to communicate, I hate how he never invests in own children. I hate my mother for shouldering both parent roles. I hate how sucks at it, and that she ever knows how to ridicule her children, as if it’ll actually encourage them. I hate that my mother blamed us for all her misfortunes. If she wanted to abort so badly, she should have while she had the chance. I hate that my dad thinks we’re stupid. I detest them both for expecting us to grow up and learn about everything by ourselves without their supervision.Why do I have to be a daughter for people who I don’t even know the birthdays of? I wish I didn’t have such good friends, because it hurts so badly to be around them. I’m anxious and scared that they’re going to disappear. I can’t trust them to not leave the closer they get, and it hurts so badly to hurt them even just a tiny bit. Thinking about them makes me cry, because I don’t they view me as family, but I certainly see them as that. I love them so much, and I’m so scared they’re gonna drop dead or leave. I’m adult now, and I’m scared because I makes social mistakes no adult should be making. I feel behind. Studying is hard for me, I can’t sit down and focus without my addictions whispering me. It feels terrible the moment I start step one of the addictive pattern because I’m aware it’ll spiral from there. I want to die sometimes, but not really. Thinking about death is more for an escape from all my problems because I don’t want to think about them or I don’t know where to look. Sometimes I just really feel bad from pushing aside my stresses till builds up and it hurts. I don’t where I can find an emotional outlet. My mother actually cares about me, but her execution for her care is often immature and mixed with bouts of hatred. She’s not psychically abusive, but verbally she’ll strike when she herself is stressed out. She’s too prideful to apologize, and she takes out her stress on her children - which signals to me that a part of her hates us. She wouldn’t do that to her friends or my father, only us - the kids, as if we’re the only outlet. I want to leave my parents behind. I don’t want be here anymore. I have an ego of pride and I don’t have anything to back it up. I don’t trust my friends, I constantly think that they’ll leave one day,I feel inadequate and hurt everytime I feel the slightest hurt from my friends if it pertains to me.I often say the mantra, “I want to die,” because there’s part of me that truly does to escape from the constant mental loops I fall into. It’s really hard to undo thought patterns and behavior habits. So it’s difficult for to me care without a thought, but I exert myself constantly to care because it’s never been something I’ve done. It hurts so much when I fail to care for my good friends. I wish I didn’t have self destructive behaviors, because it hurts my friends. I’m too scared to tell them that they make me uncomfortable simply because I don’t know how to deal with them. It hurts to have friends, but I don’t leave because they haven’t, and I love them. I’m falling back into a addictive pattern, and I’m tired of it. It makes me feel miserable from start to finish as soon as I pick up that pill bottle. i should sleep. Goodnight, I hope tomorrow is better for you and me. Sweet dreams or have a good day.