I’m an 18 year old girl.December of 2019 my father, who controlled me and how and I felt, died of a heart attack. My friends turned their backs on me because I “dragged them down with my emotions” even though my dad acted horribly I still love and miss him dearly. I began a pathway ti spirituality to try and find myself because I was never allowed to freely be myself without judgement or restraints. I was then sexually assaulted and raped by my partner. Someone I trusted with my life. My mother looked me in the face and told me she was suicidal one night.I rely on drugs to feel happy and I romanticize my horrible life because if I don’t.. I might just end it all.I just need someone to know, I don't want to carry this on my own but I have no one to turn to. So here I am writing my story anonymously.