I'm so tired. I thought I could come out to the east coast to have a better life, to be happier. I've lived in a shithole household for as long as I can remember. I took that opportunity that my father gave me which was to come out to where he lived so he could help me get a boost in life. I missed out on so much. I never had my license before, didn't get a job until 18, never had i.d. until I started working, & I've been behind on so much that I should've been taught & told. I wasn't raised by a mother that was independent but she did keep us under a roof..except for the whole homeless part for more than 5 months. She depended on me to pay for rent, gas money, food, things to buy her & my sister because she wasn't working & my sister was behind in school so she couldn't work.Oh yeah, my mother didn't let my sister attend school because her excuse was that she has anxiety when there's other student that still have to go regardless & everytime she stood home, she was only playing videogames. She even had admitted that she just didn't wanna go to school & she only used it as an excuse.I, multiple of times had to discipline my sister & get on her poor behavior while my mother thought it was okay. No, you're the mother. You're supposed to be a mother, act like one.I can't help but think of my mother as another sister.I only worked part time, she had even refused to take me to work knowing I had no way of transportation because she wouldn't go anywhere until she got the spare keys. She has made me late but of course it's my fault because she was my transportation. I'd pay her gas money & she would ask me for gas money even when I didn't have a job. I was saving up money during the time I DID have a job & she'd take money out of my tiny bunny bank(not a piggy bank) little by little. She didn't work from April of 2019 until April 2020. I literally had to carry the weight while she wanted handouts, expecting relatives to pay for rent, low income housing programs to take care of it, for me of all people; HER DAUGHTER.. to take care of the rent & her needs. She can work, but she has this belief that she should apply for one thing & expect to get the job immediately.I'm was only 18 at the time, I knew it wasn't gonna be easy. Over 10 applications later, I got a job. & guess what? Got terminated because of my attendance & ontop of that I was harassed & it was an unhealthy working environment. They neither had any idea that was getting dizzy & feeling like I'd faint. My body wasn't even in a healthy condition to be working there but I only did it because I thought I'd enjoy working in that occupation & of course I had to pay for everything.I was told by my father if I didn't take the opportunity he gave me, I'd be a dumbass for it.I didn't take it.April 2020 he offered again, I accepted. Tried so hard to dodge his questions of that offer, I felt like I had no other choice. I did in fact but in my head I knew he'd only yell at me for not taking it & I was also not happy with where I was staying.It was extremely unhealthy, always arguing with my mother.I left in May 2020, I was told over & over again that 'you're terrible, I can't believe you', from my mother. I cried & hugged her regardless, she wasn't keeping me from going but she was angry that I never told her & because I gave my Uncle the address to come pick me up at.Covid-19 cases were dropping at the time & I made sure to wear gloves & a mask.I wanted to get away so badly that I didn't care what the consequences were.Catching covid, the plane crashing, getting trafficked, my mind raced into so many scenarios that could possibly happen while I was alone in the airport & when on the plane.I thought it was gonna be nice.Didn't care to realize how much I'd have to push when I went out to where I am currently.It was nice until after the self quarantine. I had to study to get my permit. Got that within 2 weeks, passed first time. Been applying to many jobs & daily. I took opportunities for granted when I lived in Cali. I want to go back if you want me to be honest.It's just that, I don't want to back track. If I go over to Cali, then I should at least be financially stable at that point & have my license.The only reason I push so hard is because I want to have a better future, for myself & my bf. I've been with him for almost 3 years now & he's supportive of me. I cherish him deeply.Problem is over here, my father believes yelling & trying to make me fear him is a good tactic to make me push & work hard. It's not healthy.The way he & I see things are very different. I try to understand his perspective & I see that he just wants me to be successful in life & when I make a mistake, I learn & not do it again. Each time I make a mistake, he gets on me for it to the point I break down crying. My suicidal thoughts have been starting to act up again recently & so has my ocd. I was a perfectionist because of my father but I'm just tired.I'm tired. I just want to tell him how I feel but I fear what he'll say. He told me last time that he'd kill himself too if I killed myself.I was diagnosed with depression & anxiety at a young age, ptsd, & ocd. I can't even get therapy or cbt even though I really need it. My father was & I don't wanna say still is but.. mentally, emotionally, & verbally abusive.But ANYWAY, let's not dwell on that.I'm just gonna push & keep pushing.I want to save money, leave, & live my own life with my boyfriend. Of course not everything may go as planned but I'm not giving up.