I didnt come here to complain, i came to share. That's what im telling myself right now. I compulsively looked up "anonymous venting" and found myself here. I don't know if I'll find solace knowing 4 or 5 people will read this, but i have noone else im comfortable talking to right now; Im scared. Ive never felt scared to talk to anyone before, and it's unnerving. It feels like anxiety just showed up in my brain one day and i didnt notice it appear, ive never been an anxious person before. A year ago i started having stabbing pains in my heart. At first i thought it was the result of not drinking enough water (soda addict) so it was news to me when my mom told me they were anxiety attacks. Ever since i hit 15 it feels like ive been on a downward descent, and i dont see, nor want to see, any more than one way out: Doing nothing. I want to do nothing. I have no ambition. I don't want to be a welder, a police officer, nothing. Ive never had an interest in any field whatsoever. Ive lied before to my mom and sister, saying i have an interest in baking, but its all complete shit. Only recently did i realize what a mistake it was not to go to college. Im sitting here, day after day, doing fuck-all, and i cant see myself doing anything else. Jobless and painfully lonely. The guilt is one of the worst things. My parents had terrible, shitty childhoods. Both abused by their parents and led to do terrible things because of it. Id rather not go into detail because i dont feel like its my place to share that. For years now ive felt like utter trash wasting the oppurtunity they've given me. I grew up in a nice big house, with a supportive mom and dad, with food almost always on the table. And i sit on a chair, every day, playing video games i dont even enjoy anymore the distract myself from me. Looking back, i dont feel bad about not going to college, because i know i wouldnt have made it through. I scraped by high school by the skin of my teeth, sheer lack of motivation coming from who knows where hindering me from caring at all. The only thing ive cared about at all recently is my appearance. I want to look good. But i dont take care of myself, not at all. I almost never brush my teeth, i dont shower daily, and im so out of shape i cant touch my toes most days. Im not even sure why i care so much considering there's noone to look good for. Self gratification i guess? It does feel good sometimes to look in the mirror and feel satisfied. The existensial dread moments have been getting more and more frequently this past week, but i know im not going to do anything about it. I never do. Ive never had a "freak out" moment or a panic attack. Im a silent sufferer- i dont have a shoulder to cry on. My sister is approachable; all she does is watch streams all day and tries to ignore me. i keep trying to interact with her but i just walk away from the situation 90% of times feeling like im just wasting my energy and feeling bitter. it feels like im dry heaving. Is that an applicable term?? Just doing the same things over and over completely aware that i need to break the cycle but refusing for no reason. Also, i have an issue that i know noone else i know would understand. Its not like i meet new people staying at home all day. My one friend i admitted it to a week ago told me i should do therapy, but the thought of asking my mom for therapy is horrific. She would overreact badly. I grew up pretty sheltered, so she usually thinks there's nothing wrong. Infact, when i am upset, my dad is actually faster to pick up on things than she is. I have to actually put in effort to not look depressed in front of him because he'll notice. Im trying to build the courage to have the "talk", but "trying" is being generous. I'm actively avoiding it, thinking she'll just blow it off or wont be able to understand. So i guess that's where i am now.I should probably go shower now. Take care homies

I didnt come here to complain, i came to share. That's what im telling myself right now. I compulsively looked up "anonymous venting" and found myself here. I don't know if I'll find solace knowing 4 or 5 people will read this, but i have noone else im comfortable talking to right now; Im scared. Ive never felt scared to talk to anyone before, and it's unnerving. It feels like anxiety just showed up in my brain one day and i didnt notice it appear, ive never been an anxious person before. A year ago i started having stabbing pains in my heart. At first i thought it was the result of not drinking enough water (soda addict) so it was news to me when my mom told me they were anxiety attacks. Ever since i hit 15 it feels like ive been on a downward descent, and i dont see, nor want to see, any more than one way out: Doing nothing. I want to do nothing. I have no ambition. I don't want to be a welder, a police officer, nothing. Ive never had an interest in any field whatsoever. Ive lied before to my mom and sister, saying i have an interest in baking, but its all complete shit. Only recently did i realize what a mistake it was not to go to college. Im sitting here, day after day, doing fuck-all, and i cant see myself doing anything else. Jobless and painfully lonely. The guilt is one of the worst things. My parents had terrible, shitty childhoods. Both abused by their parents and led to do terrible things because of it. Id rather not go into detail because i dont feel like its my place to share that. For years now ive felt like utter trash wasting the oppurtunity they've given me. I grew up in a nice big house, with a supportive mom and dad, with food almost always on the table. And i sit on a chair, every day, playing video games i dont even enjoy anymore the distract myself from me. Looking back, i dont feel bad about not going to college, because i know i wouldnt have made it through. I scraped by high school by the skin of my teeth, sheer lack of motivation coming from who knows where hindering me from caring at all. The only thing ive cared about at all recently is my appearance. I want to look good. But i dont take care of myself, not at all. I almost never brush my teeth, i dont shower daily, and im so out of shape i cant touch my toes most days. Im not even sure why i care so much considering there's noone to look good for. Self gratification i guess? It does feel good sometimes to look in the mirror and feel satisfied. The existensial dread moments have been getting more and more frequently this past week, but i know im not going to do anything about it. I never do. Ive never had a "freak out" moment or a panic attack. Im a silent sufferer- i dont have a shoulder to cry on. My sister is approachable; all she does is watch streams all day and tries to ignore me. i keep trying to interact with her but i just walk away from the situation 90% of times feeling like im just wasting my energy and feeling bitter. it feels like im dry heaving. Is that an applicable term?? Just doing the same things over and over completely aware that i need to break the cycle but refusing for no reason. Also, i have an issue that i know noone else i know would understand. Its not like i meet new people staying at home all day. My one friend i admitted it to a week ago told me i should do therapy, but the thought of asking my mom for therapy is horrific. She would overreact badly. I grew up pretty sheltered, so she usually thinks there's nothing wrong. Infact, when i am upset, my dad is actually faster to pick up on things than she is. I have to actually put in effort to not look depressed in front of him because he'll notice. Im trying to build the courage to have the "talk", but "trying" is being generous. I'm actively avoiding it, thinking she'll just blow it off or wont be able to understand. So i guess that's where i am now.I should probably go shower now. Take care homies

hey, dude. I can relate to this one a lot. All I can say is it sucks, and if you read this keep toughing it out and shit can get better as long as you keep pushing to make it better. I try to keep myself indifferent in most situations and put a 'second self' forward for most people, it keeps emotions and overwhelming thoughts at bay, most of the time, at least for me and can sometimes give you a better view of things when you are still neutral in a situation. Being stuck in that headspace is ass, I still am. you got this though, as shitty and as typical as it sounds. Sometimes you just have to ride with the bad for awhile before you can start building up to the good.

hey, dude. I can relate to this one a lot. All I can say is it sucks, and if you read this keep toughing it out and shit can get better as long as you keep pushing to make it better. I try to keep myself indifferent in most situations and put a 'second self' forward for most people, it keeps emotions and overwhelming thoughts at bay, most of the time, at least for me and can sometimes give you a better view of things when you are still neutral in a situation. Being stuck in that headspace is ass, I still am. you got this though, as shitty and as typical as it sounds. Sometimes you just have to ride with the bad for awhile before you can start building up to the good. 