i bet no ones going to read this but i need to vent somewhere lol. well to start i moved to a new state a couple years ago and when i moved i had a hard time making friends since i went to the shittiest school ever. anyways thats when i first started having depressive symptoms ig you could say. but i was really young so i didnt know. also like in seventh grade i wrote a suicide note and my mom found it lmao but they still didnt get me any help. anyways fast forward and i finally have a best friend and it was great we were so alike and did everything together and told each other everything. I also started a new grade and made a huge friend group. well one day after school we downloaded this stupid app to talk to random people and one day she met this boy. they started talking not long after btw he lives in a dif state but she doesnt care. so they started “dating” and he was terrible to me always calling me names and picking on me and making fun of me. he would also invalidate me and try to make me seem stupid. she didnt do anything though she didnt stand up for me or tell him to stop and she knows i dont like him but she doesnt care. fast forward a few months and its homecoming. the whole time i was left out. i sat there trying to talk to them or dance or whatever but i was invisible so i left early and basically cried all night. anwayz a couple months later my friends and i were hanging out and they left me and my bsf out the whole time excluding us and just little things. and when we told them how we felt they started saying that it was all our fault and how we are always so rude and all this stuff and then they started saying things about our houses and families. well to cut that short we stopped talking to them. and for a few weeks we sat somewhere else at lunch until she decided to sit there again and unless i wanted to sit alone i had to sit with them. anways this is getting off track. a while later my so called best friend started lying to me and she would blow me off to hang out with some 28 year old guy when she just turned 16 and when i told her it was a bad idea and dangerous and i was upset she lied to me she told me that i used her for her money and i talked about her behind her back as if i had anyone to talk to. well when we went back to school she told the whole friend group and everyone hated me and was talking about me. when we finally made up we were in quarantine. well basically to sum this all up she still treats me not to well and shes changed and judges me and will make fun of things like my laugh and smile which just makes me obviously insecure. also like a couple weeks ago her boyfriend came out to visit and hes staying at her house so one night i went over there to spend the night and meet him. as soon as i got there he acted upset and annoyed and they kept going in another room of the house and leaving me there by myself. and the next day she was like not doing her schoolwork and just being stupid with her boyfriend and her mom got mad and said i shouldnt have came over and i was distracting her. so i left early and when i did her mom acted shocked. and i so badly want to cut her off but shes my only friend and i feel like i need her even though i cant talk to her about anything and i cant really make any other friends since im not getting my license for a couple months and im online for school. anyways that was just one part now lets start with my family. my mom is just very emotionally abusive and manipulative. she gets mad at me for everything and forces me to tell her things i dont want to. she gets mad at me for staying in my room all day but she ignores me completely unless she wants me to do something. not to mention i do like everything for them i cook i clean i babysit i do all my stuff and they still call me lazy and spoiled every time i ask for something like a coffee. amd my dad knows how i feel about how she talks to me but he doesnt do anything and i cant talk to him about it because my mom told me not to tell him anything like that again. anyways when my mom found out i was still depressed a couple months ago and thag i was cutting she started saying things like im such a bad mom and where did my little girl go and all these stupid manipulative things. also i forgot to mention they are like very christian and i am definitely not. which is annoying because i cant ask them to see anyone to talk to because they want to set me up with someone in a church and all they every say is that i need to pray and god is watching and it gets better ITS BEEN OVER FOUR YEARS and im worse than ever. I AM SO SICK of people saying it gets better because it doesnt it never does. and i also have very bad social anxiety. oh yeah my mom thinks im being dramatic but i physically hate talking to people and i feel like im constantly being stared at and idk anyways my mom is really a main contributing factor. lately ive barely been able to get out of bed and im sleeping all day and either starving myself one day or binging the next. ive also started cutting again starting today but i stopped like three weeks ago before today. ive been very suicidal the past like two days and i mean im not gonna do it i think but i just have this urge in the back of my mind. anywayz i really want like a bf i just want someone that actually likes me and wants to be around me and hold me. ive lost all my friends except for the toxic one i just dont know whats wrong with me.