This is just a sort of vent post to get my thoughts out. I don't intend on acting on anything I say here, I'm just fucking tired of my own thoughts. Maybe if I vent them here, I'll feel better.
I'm not going to end my life, I'm not going to hurt myself. That's a promise I've made to myself, to my friends, to my family. And I promise to keep it. I just need to have my thoughts heard somewhere. Maybe someone will have advice that can help if anyone sees this.
I want the creeping sense of doom whenever I think about it to go away. The overwhelming panic I feel when I try to do what I'm supposed to.
I want to die. I don't want to die. It's the pressure, I can't take the damn pressure. One day, four or more hours to spend, and 150k in scholarships on the line. One damn test and yet thinking of using that damn program makes me fucking panic. What's wrong with me? Why can't I stop panicking? I want to feel okay. I want these thoughts to stop. It's not rational, I know I could do this if I would just calm the fuck down.
But I don't know how. Every goddamned time I try to get back to work I have another fucking panic attack. I wish I could just take the goddamned test already but the program is making me slog through four fucking hours of work and it's fucking with my head. I'd tell my mom but some irrational part of me is scared she's just going to be disappointed in me. I know she won't be, but that part of me is paralysing me with fear anyways.
If I could just calm down enough to focus...
I know it's not rational. I don't know what to do anymore. The most I've been able to do is calm myself down enough not to do anything. Normally I can think my way out of it but I can't fully do that this time. What the fuck do I do? Is there some fucking magic trick that can help me calm down?