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Vent/rant Please help?

This is just a sort of vent post to get my thoughts out. I don't intend on acting on anything I say here, I'm just fucking tired of my own thoughts. Maybe if I vent them here, I'll feel better.


I'm not going to end my life, I'm not going to hurt myself. That's a promise I've made to myself, to my friends, to my family. And I promise to keep it. I just need to have my thoughts heard somewhere. Maybe someone will have advice that can help if anyone sees this.


I want the creeping sense of doom whenever I think about it to go away. The overwhelming panic I feel when I try to do what I'm supposed to.


I want to die. I don't want to die. It's the pressure, I can't take the damn pressure. One day, four or more hours to spend, and 150k in scholarships on the line. One damn test and yet thinking of using that damn program makes me fucking panic. What's wrong with me? Why can't I stop panicking? I want to feel okay. I want these thoughts to stop. It's not rational, I know I could do this if I would just calm the fuck down.


But I don't know how. Every goddamned time I try to get back to work I have another fucking panic attack. I wish I could just take the goddamned test already but the program is making me slog through four fucking hours of work and it's fucking with my head. I'd tell my mom but some irrational part of me is scared she's just going to be disappointed in me. I know she won't be, but that part of me is paralysing me with fear anyways.


If I could just calm down enough to focus...


I know it's not rational. I don't know what to do anymore. The most I've been able to do is calm myself down enough not to do anything. Normally I can think my way out of it but I can't fully do that this time. What the fuck do I do? Is there some fucking magic trick that can help me calm down?

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Re: Vent/rant Please help?

Heyo, OP here. Maybe it's too early to tell, but just posting that helped me calm down a bit. Getting the thoughts out and seeing the kind replies helped a bit. I'll talk to my mom about it if it gets bad like that again. I've talked to her about this stuff before and she's taught me how to cope. I'm getting ready to go to a university soon and I've been freaking out because I failed the first math placement test. I never had much formal math training, so I'm surprised I tested into college math. It just wasn't high enough for university level. I have three more tries and one day left to take it. At worst, I'll have to defer my enrollment. Something about that is still terrifying, though.


God, the pressures of being considered 'gifted'. I graduated community college with a 3.65/4.0. Half the points I lost were because of fucking depression and being unable to cope with pressure. School had me in some dark places at points. The higher you are, the harder you fall. It hurt like hell when I failed a class because of depression. When I got a B because I could barely motivate myself to work. When my last quarter of school, I almost failed a class because I fell into a depression for two goddamn weeks.


I've been in dark places before, but because of those experiences I learned how to talk myself out of doing anything stupid. There was a time when couldn't talk myself out of these places. A time when I would've tried to act on the thoughts I had.


I've since realized they were completely irrational. That I don't actually want to die. I just want the pain to stop. At the very least, after getting my thoughts out, it's subsided a bit.


I've seen some shit that permanently taught me that I don't want to be someone else's story. I don't want to be the horror story someone tells someone on the brink to walk them back from death, selfish as it may sound. I don't want to be the girl who had potential and wasted it because she couldn't stand the pressure.


To those here who are thinking of taking their lives, don't. Please god, don't. You will sadden people you don't even know.


-N

Honestly, i dont know if this is helpful but i want you to know that people care. People that dont know you. Breathe. You remind me of a friend of mine that i worry about alot, i love him and i want you to know that there are people that love you too. Like i said, this might not be the answer you were looking for but i hope it helps you get through this time in your life a little easier. Im sending you an internet hug.

Hi, i kind of know how you’re feeling. I’m not at your stage of life yet but i do know the feeling of dread when something is coming and i just want to get it over with. I think if you know that your mom is the best person to talk to about this, then you should totally go for it. i know that the little voice in the back of your head is giving you dread to even think about it but if you can just try and push through and get the help you need or even if it’s just to talk to her. i have the thought process of never asking my parents for anything because i don’t want them to get mad or bothered but i know that they won’t be so i just never ask. but that made me regret a lot of things ranging from getting my favorite thing or just hanging out with friends. Please please please if you can, talk to a friend if you can but most importantly your mom if she’s not going to gaslight you about your intrusive thoughts. i hope this helped, stay safe and remember that you’re loved.