There is this voice in my head that keeps repeating " Cut, cut, cut "
Isn't that voice a part of me? Why does it want to hurt itself ?
And the worst part is I always, always listen to it becoz it is my voice. My anxiety spikes, my stress levels don't go down.
Any time of the day- i feel anxious or feel a panic attack creeping its way in; I just keep convincing myself "we're gonna go home, we're gonna cut and it's all gonna be fine " " we just have to cut and it will be okay "
It used to be just small scratches and mild cuts but now, I intentionally cut on the old wounds to make them bleed. If I dont see drops of blood forming on my legs, I have to cut again. If it doesnt hurt enough, I have to cut again. I hv got more than 200 cuts on my thighs alone. I try not to cut my arms coz someone can see the cuts there.
I am NOT suicidal, atleast not yet becoz I cant give more pain to my family coz for some odd reason they still love me.(probably coz I hv been lying to them). I wish they would just start hating me then killing myself would be so much easier.
I hate myself so much, i deserve every single ounce of pain. It's all my fault.
I m sorry if this triggered someone...