I just want void. I think. I'm just so exhausted from being so many things, or trying and failing to be so many things and I just want void. I don't want to feel or think or try any more. I hate my job doing hair working with my mom but it's the only thing keeping me on a life line right now. I almost feel disabled by depression. But then so much else is happening that isn't even me like people have to work three jobs just to exist and people end up homeless with nothing because of a fire or get shot in the back seven times by a fucking cop in front of their fucking kids man. I just start one train of thought and it just grows and grows and grows so heavy and weighs on me and I feel myself breaking under all the weight of the world and I just want void. I just want empty. I just want to breathe free again like after I got divorced and I was ready to take on the world and I saw what happiness meant and I had forgotten what it was like to be empty and alone. So much alone. Of course, I'm not really alone but I can't break through that wall that's been put up and I'm pretty sure I don't want to. Starting therapy means diving into a vast, black, oily ocean with giant horrible sea creatures but not starting therapy means being slowly crushed under my own quarantine weight choking on corona air and hearing my phone ringing through my ears shaki g with the weight of perhaps more, worse bad news that's coming any day now. I just want void. Please, please just let me have the void. Please don't care so much because I just want to care about the void. Please don't love me so much I can't be what you need. Please don't depend on me because I have nothing. I am the void that you should avoid and all I want is void to avoid the void of life.