4 months ago
Time Spent- 22m
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Void

Why is it that my heart feels so empty? Why is it that my breath hitches up all of a sudden? I cry out loud yet it is of no help. I cry and cry until I can cry no more. I did very well until now. Why can't I do it now? I feel hopeless and worthless. It feels as if I am not good enough anymore. It feels as if I was never molded to compete. I lose and lose a part of myself everyday. I'm unsure if I'll be the same ever again. My laughter is suppressed now. It does not flow freely. I am alone and everything has gone void.

People complain of not being able to see the stars. In my opinion, not being able to see them is better than watching them fade away before your own eyes.





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4 months ago

Re: Void

As a boy I’d sometimes see my mom or sister. My shit dad would show up. He grinned ear to ear. Handed her presents. Money. Took her anywhere. Bought her anything. Like he was Santa Claus.

One day I walked over & held out my arms. I said I love you dada. Everyone hurts me. They don’t feed me. Can I please go live with you.

He took me in the bathroom. Made me look at my long wavy blond hair. At my weird blue eyes. At my face that looks like s girls face. He looked Spanish. He said I can’t be your dad. You look like a girl.

I said they say I’m yours. I just look like her dad.

He says even if you are your retarded (autistic). I wouldn’t want you anyways. Your broken.

A few weeks later my mom drove me to another state & left me alone in the woods.

Moral of story. If anyone should have ever quit it’s me. But I said fuck those duckers. I fight.

Life is only easy for a few. Most of us must fight like hell & pretend we are great. That’s life.

But there’s joy in the world. You must look for it.

I used to protect the weak from bullies. Some would try to pattern themselves after me. I’d say look; I’m just as messed up as you. The only difference is when life is hard you set down & cry. I fight like hell till things get better. It’s just s mindset.

You can set down & mope. Or you can watch a comedy. Dance to some music. And fight.

Hey sitting around crying is easy. I do it sometimes too. But then I get up & fight.

I don’t mean punching some dick in the nose. I mean fight for yourself.

As an autistic boy they put me in special Ed. Said I couldn’t learn. I have 7 degrees. I struggled to walk. They said I’d never walk right. I ran track & field. Won medals. Fuck them. I decide what I am.