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Was I ever really normal?

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I was normal, well. Almost normal. I grew up in an accepting healthy environment at least I thought it was, my sister tried to kill herself 3 times before her 14th birthday. I thought about killing myself a lot, it became normal for me to sit in class and just start crying forgetting where I was and what I was doing but I felt so alone that I was okay with just walking out and crying my eyes out for hours. It felt like forever before I was able to just smile and mean it but I think I’m there it’s still hard for me to be around knifes and things like that but I am getting better I guess I mean I think I’m as good as I can be but somethings just stopping me from being happy. It’s just I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy again.