When I was 15 I was severely depressed. My parents thought it would be a good idea for my aunt's new boyfriend's son to come over and check on me, since I was at home alone and they were worried I was going to hurt or kill myself. I didn't know he was coming over. He was 16, I believe. Maybe 17. He was slightly taller than me and was a bigger guy. He was far stronger than myself. We had really bonded the few times that we had seen each other and he seemed to really be a nice guy. So when he was at my door, I thought it would be okay to let him into the house. I offered to make him lunch and another cousin of mine came and joined us while we ate. That is when the first physical boundary got crossed. The boy picked me up and wouldn't put me down. My cousin and him laughed but getting picked up has always been a huge trigger of mine. So I started to freak out and cry. He apologized and I forgave him and let him stay with me at my house. My cousin left the house and it left just him and I. I walked upstairs to our upstairs living room and was just on my phone. He came and sat right next to me on the couch so I got up and moved across the room to the floor. He started to throw pillows at me, trying to land them on my butt. It was playful and didn't bother me much. I was even starting to get aroused from his playfulness, which makes me want to curl up and die when I think about it. I got up and walked to my room and said I was tired and was probably going to take a nap and he just crawled right into my bed with me. I started to get the feeling of uhhh this is not right, boys aren't allowed in my room and we aren't dating. I don't even like you.. but me being the naive 15 year old that I was, I thought that I was going to be fine. He got under the blankets with me and he kissed me. We started to make out and it was completely consensual. But then he put me on my back and pulled my shirt and bra down (something that I was not okay with but I was starting to get scared because it was going to far). I had never shown anyone my breasts and I hadn't planned on it (He is literally the only man aside from my husband to have seen them in a sexual context which makes me want to die) but I felt scared to tell him to stop, I was starting to go into panic mode. Then that's when things start to get blurry. I felt his hand go down my fuzzy, black cheetah print pajama pants and I started to try and push myself up towards the head of the bed to scoot away, but the second he touched me I completely froze. I remember hearing NO aurally. But I don't know if I said it or I hallucinated it, but either way I did not want it. I can't even remember what it felt like, once his finger(s) were inside of me I just remember completely dissociating and it felt like I was just watching myself from outside of my body. All I could feel was terror and then I was gone, what brought me back to reality was him somehow in my line of sight and he said "Do you want to have sex? I have a condom". I jumped out of my bed so fast and starting bawling and hyperventilating. I started to tell him that he needed to get out of my house but he wouldn't leave because he was scared I was going to kill myself. He followed me out to the couch and set his hand on my thigh, stroking it with his thumb trying to comfort me but I pulled away. He then went and washed his hands and while he was in the bathroom I just remember trying to find ways to get him out. He came back out and sat on the far side of the couch, just watching me cry as he creepily held his fingers to his nose. He kept refusing to leave and finally my mom got home from work and he left. I begged him not to tell anyone and I felt so disgusting and ashamed that I even let him into my house in the first place. He left after my mom got home from work and I kept this secret from EVERYONE. Only a small handful of people in my life know few details and none of them are my family. I just feel like I did it to myself for letting him in and letting him kiss me. My mom assumed it would be safe to have a boy over since he was technically our family (we weren't allowed to have boys over alone, unless we were related), but this happened. I still get triggered 6 years later and oh my freaking lord I just realized why it's so bad lately.. it happened in April of 2015. I am hurting.