Welp. Here goes.I am a gay asexual teen. This, understandably, makes dating a lot more difficult for me than it is for my peers. I have done my best, but annoyingly the last vaguely attractive guy I've known I have not seen for the last 3 years, so I've basically been attempting online, which brings with it its own problems, mainly the fact that gay teen boys are incredibly horny and the only response I had for several months was just a guy asking "What's asexual?", so yeah. Then, a while back, I suddenly got three guys message me to talk, which was quite possibly the most incredible feeling ever in my entire wow oh my god is this what love feels like. Aaaaand then it turned out the one who had been questioning was actually straight and with both other guys we ended up kinda mutually ghosting one another because awkward. And to clarify, the whole thing didn't upset me that much because I wasn't really expecting all that much to begin with, and I was mostly just pleased to get confirmation that dating was actually possible, but still, it's been lingering at the back of my mind for a while now.Then, over the last two days, two things happened which brought me here. First off, I need to describe Jacob to you. Jacob is a boy in my year at school who can best be described as chaotic neutral. He will rip your face off or jokingly flirt with you depending on how he thinks you will react. Several times I have seen him get into fights just moments after putting his hand right next to the kind of place I wouldn't want him putting his hand and liking his lips. He's funny, and we all get a good laugh out of watching him, but, y'know, most of us outgrew the little shit phase of our lives a while back now, and while we respect him (and let's be honest, fear him), nobody really trusts him, and whether you like him or not is anyone's guess.And then I saw him kissing a girl in the library, and hooboy did I have opinions about it. Here was the single most annoying person I knew, in a place I considered to be my safe space given that I'm one of the ones most frequently in there, and (not to be too prude) not even trying to hide the fact that he was kissing someone. How? How did he do it and I didn't? Wasn't he completely infuriating to everyone? Didn't we all kinda hate him an hour ago? And now he's kissing a girl? What does he have that I don't?Well, he's straight.The second thing that happened ended up happening the next day. Basically, we're in our form room, the teacher is letting everyone talk amongst themselves, and I notice a bunch of old lined paper on one of the desks. There's people at the desks, but they're clearly not using the paper, so I just assume that, like is usually the case at the school, someone in the last class just got out too much paper to write on and left it out after the lesson, maybe doodled on it a bit. And I notice that there's one piece of paper, quite small, that's been folded up, and left there. So I think to myself "Oh, cool, someone's done a drawing and left it behind, I wonder what it's of? Let's just open it up and see, oh no, wait that's a note, I shouldn't be reading this, just fold it back up and put it back." Eventually, the end of form time comes, everyone's leaving, and I see a small piece of screwed up paper thrown from the same direction as the note, and my curiosity gets the better of me, so I discreetly pick it up and take it with me to where else but the library, where I read it, and... the note reads:"he messaged 'hi x' and i replied 'hey' then he aired me then 1 hour later he sent me a video of his cock. i put 'mmm' then he went 'so harddd' so i put 'looks it'"How is this happening? How are people I know doing this stuff whilst I'm sat over here still excited as a guy breaks up with me because "Well, now I know someone might be attracted to me!" even though the breakup literally proves the only person who might have been attracted to me is incapable of that! A while back when I was especially desperate (read: especially desperate by the standards of the time, I'm even more desperate now) I looked up first kisses and found out the average age they happen at is 15. In three months time, I'll have been there, not done that, behind the curve, waiting for something as simple as to be nice and cute and funny and attractive and having to keep waiting for no reason other than "sorry, u like guys lol", something I can't even control. I don't want to be fucking proud of who I am, because who I am is stopping me from living the life I feel I should be. Don't I deserve that? What did I do that was so bad that I'll spend my whole teenage years behind everyone else?So yeah, sometimes, I hate straight people. I think that's justified. They're no better than me. So why can't they fucking act like it?