Just as the title indicates, what am I to him?What Am I to the person I loved?His my first boyfriend after almost 24 years of existence in this world.I never even imagined that I'll be in a relationship with someone. I was so used to being the person who loves so hard but was never loved back.He's totally not my type. I don't even remember his face before. I didn't even know he exists.He's a co-worker. Previous co-worker, since I already left that job.Younger than me. Smart. Not that good-looking to be honest. Well, I'm demisexual anyway so I really don't care about the looks.But after being in 2 "almost" relationship, after being broken from a one-sided love, I already promised to myself that I won't entertain anyone anymore.And then, I met him a year ago. Unexpectedly. My close friend which is also his teammate at that time introduced him to me. Not personally though. Just through Hangouts.Since I'm really focused on my work and I'm not really interested in meeting new person, I didn't mind their jokes about him and me being together. He never had any girlfriend too, which is why he was introduced to me given that we're both single since birth.Just like me, he's been in an "almost" relationship before. I know he's not interested in me so I act the way I usually act. I treated him as a friend. No malice, nothing at all.Until after a few months, he said he likes me but he's too afraid that it will go wrong again just like what happened on his previous "relationships".He tried to court me, got scared cause he really don't know what to do. He doesn't even know how relationship works or how to be a boyfriend. Thus, he backed out just this year.Though I was really hurt cause I'm starting to fall for him, I respected his decision. Said that it was fine and we can still be friends.We didn't talk for 3 days I guess. I let him be. I don't want to disturb him. He reached out to me by sending a meme. That's his way of saying "I wanna talk to you but I don't know how or what to talk about. But still, I want to talk so I'm sending you a meme and I hope you'll talk to me after that."Yeah. Yeah. Petty. Hahahaha. But I always find it cute when he tried his best to reach out despite knowing that he's an introvert.Few weeks I guess, he asked me for another chance. I just said "Yes". I'm not really sure what that yes is for, but I just want to be with him. He clarified if that was a yes for another chance or a yes for a relationship. And I chose the latter. Hahahaha.Guess I really rushed things eh? Hahahaa.Everything is smooth sailing. That was the first time that I felt like the love I've been giving was being reciprocated. That I was the first time I felt so loved. Well, aside from being loved by my family and of course, by yours truly.I really want us to have a strong, healthy, mature relationship. I was willing to work things out no matter how hard it is.But I guess, it's a one-way street. Still one-sided.When I asked him about the girl he previously loved, he said the last time they had a communication was about 2 years ago. I thought he never reached out, and he spent those years getting over her.But I was wrong. The last time he reached out was just 7 months before we met. I know I might sound ridiculous, but I can't help it.It's entirely impossible to get over someone you loved for those years in just 7 months, even if they didn't really have any label.I shrugged it off. Tried to get the thought of me being a rebound out of my mind.I was too insecure cause that's always been my case. Being used by people, being the choice simply because I was the one who's available at that time. Not because they want to choose me, but because I'm convenient.I began to doubt his feelings for me. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes.Until the day I got triggered and let all my insecurities out. But instead of assuring me that it's fine, that his feelings are true and I should not doubt it, he didn't talk to me. He said he wanted to think.Like, really? That petty fight, that sole petty fight is all that it takes for him to waver? I really just can't believe it.We tried to work things out. Well, technically speaking, I tried to work things out. But I guess it's true that it takes two to tango.He got so hot and cold. I don't even know how to talk to him without getting him annoyed. I distanced myself a bit. Thinking that he's just tired of his job. But I guess, it's not about his job. He got tired of me. Well, he never said that, but why would he?No one wants to be a bad guy here.So he faded. I tried to ask him to open up and talk about what's wrong. But he just think of it as if I'm picking a fight.I was so tired of explaining and understanding him over and over. That's why I asked him what he wants to happen, what's the best thing for him.He said, "I think we should break up."And there I am, thinking that he wants to work things out. He wants to be with me.Instead of proving that he really meant what he said, he only proved that those words didn't mean anything at all.I gave him the break up that he wanted.A week or two after our break up, I noticed someone who he said to be his crush before grow closer and closer to him. Until a month after, a friend of mine told me that she thinks there's something going on between my ex and his "crush."I checked their FB, and then, I saw how they flirted. Hahaha.Funny thing is, I just thought what we had was real.I thought he was just so in love with his previous fling that's why he can't fully love me. But just a few weeks after our break up, he seems to forget everything we had.I don't even know if I was a rebound or I was just some sort of a waiting shed for him.He said that he meant everything he said to me, but I don't even want to believe it now.How could he move on so fast? What am I to him? A rebound? A past time? A distraction?Guess he really didn't love me at all. He was just lonely and he wants to get distracted. And unfortunately, I'm the one who is available. I feel like I was just being used for convenience.And since he found someone whom he can spend more time with, he just disposed me like that.He should've just be honest with me. He can just tell me that he already likes someone else that's why he doesn't want to be with me anymore. It will save him much time instead of saying all those things on the day we broke up, making it look like it he still has feelings for me.He could have been honest. But he chose not to. And that what hurts the most.I didn't even know what role I got in his life. I can't even tell if what we had was real.I've never been hurt like this before. I've never been so afraid to trust and love in my entire life.I don't know if someone will ever read this. But please, I know that truth hurts and nobody wants to be a bad guy. But lies are far way worse. Please choose the lesser evil.