\tThat is the million-dollar question, isn’t it? If I could answer it, all of these mundane problems that seem to completely control my life probably wouldn’t be in charge anymore. Yet here we are… A slave to the query that I have let my life become. It’s disgusting. Beautiful isn’t it how I use to use profanity every other word but this innate desire to be better, to be somebody in a wasteland in a bunch of nobodies… Fucking sad how every song pulls every feeling I’ve ever had and I can watch them play out in my head from a child to this exact moment. A fucking child. So, I don’t listen to much music... Except when I’m drunk… Ding Ding Ding… (Or Sad.) The desire to want to feel something, fucking anything… becomes so unbearable…every now and then I allow myself to cave, beyond the forcible expectations of society and finally give in to primal instinct… See there’s the profanity. That’s what happens when absolutely nobody understands or even gives a damn. You can pretend like they do, fuck they’ll even pretend just to get what they’re after. Who cares that this is how you feel free? How you express yourself with no judgment or expectation. Just pure unadulterated emotion. Which is what you fucking need. Except that fucking voicemail you accidently downloaded to your apple music account that replays over and over and over and over (because you know once you hear that voice your brain automatically goes into over drive and you just have to hear her tell him to wait for her). You need to heal, and you can’t… Because Its now at the expense of others. I know you love him. But sometimes love isn’t enough. Sometimes you have to let go and hurt. You have to hurt, but you refuse to. You feel like you are exempt to the hurt and pain this divorce is really creating, why? Because your dad loved you so much, he sheltered you. Guess what. He left you like your husband did. You know why. Because you aren’t above anybody. You thought you were. Sitting at the dinner table while your parents argued, and you heard your dad say, “Don’t… Don’t do this to Taylor.” DON’T FUCKING DO THIS TO TAYLOR. It replays over and over and over. Because he loved you so much… So much he left you. HE LEFT YOU. They always do. So, what’s the point? Fuck it. Fuck this. Fuck people. Fuck Lucas? Well that doesn’t sound right now does it. Lucas. He’s different. But he’s become mundane. Like your life. Makes you wonder. If he’s expendable… are they all. Is he? Are you? You thought he was different but he’s human. He proved unequipped to the task. Don’t they all? Justin made him just as crazy as the next, then he showed you crazy. Word for word. It played out like a script he wrote. You want proof… He said let me show you, and you didn’t have to speak a word. He knew what it required to get your attention then proceeded to fucking show you. Narcissist? Or profit? Fucking disgusting. Here’s the deal. He isn’t special. You think he is showing you something… You’re as shallow as they come. He knows that. SHALLOW bitch. Shallow. Its gross. Well. Less gross and more... Well, sad. If people would take the time to give a shit… even a slight shit… Maybe someone would see the sadness instead of the disdain. Hate… It isn’t so much hate as it is pure, effortless… sadness. Because you just can’t continue. I know you can’t. I am you after all. Drunk you. Less reserved. More fuck it. Maybe if one person cared less about themselves, they could see. But we are innately in tuned and built to care only about ourselves. It’s sad. As much as I give, and care, and love genuinely for other people… Nobody will ever be that for me. Not even my own mother. She’s as confused at social situations as I am. Who can blame her, people suck. Nobody cares you relate most to sadness because it’s the only emotion you know. Even when you’re happy you’re sad. Lost. You’re no person without your children. Who are you, nobody? That’s all you know. You see rock bottom, but nobody sees the darkness but you. You are alone. Everybody has left you. I can’t believe in all the anguish you have been through you could find it all over again. Like your stupid ass thought you deserved to be happy after all of that. He’s right. You were just as nasty as he was. Every good intention laid the groundwork for a spiral of bullshit. You thought if I play my cards right, but never did. Why. What the fuck man. You had every opportunity to take what belonged to you. What was rightfully yours. To take control for this life you lead now. That could not only be yours but for you to fucking win. You set it up and let him take the reins every time. Every fucking time. Like some sick fucking… Idk. Man idk. It was sick though. Replaying It over and over and over and over. There is no peace. You get none. You don’t get to be happy. And he’s right you are stuck. Stuck in the past. Jaded. You can’t get over this bad taste. And no matter who takes the place, it’s still empty. No matter how much in theory you love somebody else. Oh, and love him unconditionally and with no reserve… Nobody stacks up. Nobody ever does. As badly as you want. The exhale hurts. The inhale is intoxicating. Enough to make you second guess everything else. Once you catch your snap… That exhale… It will almost kill you. Well enjoy your secondhand smoke. Which is the best way to describe him. Not even worth cancer but what maybe cancer in time… Worthless none the less. As worthless as you became because of him.