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What do you call not wanting to be alive but not being suicidal?

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I consider myself an educated individual and I am well versed on the process of therapy. Please don't get me wrong, I have absolute confidence that for some talking can be a positive and even life changing thing. It simply is not for me. I am somewhat autistic and several years ago would be classified as someone with aspergers which is no longer a term used in the industry. I only mention this to preempt anyone who wants to try and talk me through a dark time as it were. Talking simply isn't a constructive event for me especially when I have to be open.


I am quite capable of managing my emotions and I admit that apathy has become my go to for coping. My life has derailed to the point of no return. I know that some will say no wait a minute right there but let me elaborate a bit though I could not possibly get everything on here as discussing my emotions inhibits my ability to adequately relay all pertinent information. For about 4 years now due to events in my life that have transpired I am now in a position where I am quite literally without any form of being able to manage for myself. During this time I have been predominantly homeless, unable to see my daughter, and most days my meals consist of whatever a dollar or two a day can get me where I am at. It is fair to say that my inability to handle certain things has culminated in the position I have been faced and I have come to terms with that. However the cause is something that at a fundamental level shock who I am and what I stand for. In short something so surreal and unbelievable happened to me that even I struggle to comprehend it entirely and it goes against everything I hold as sacred and fundamental to who I am and what I believe in. There is simply no way for me to be okay with this. I would suggest to any person who is religious that it would be the equivalent of satan forcing upon you that you denounce god and pay homage to him. I myself am not religious and only use the analogy to infer how deeply this is offensive to me. For someone to change your life in every what in a moment is so profound. Sadly the event I am referring to is so unusual that I have found not even my family actually believes what has happened and has come up with divergent theory's as to "How it actually happened". Not one day goes by that this persons influence has not determined a great many aspects of my life and not a single person even believes me. I suppose I can't blame them entirely. I for one know that had I not lived it I would without a doubt find it so far fetched that I would also not believe.


Over the years I have come to accept that portion and move past it but to this day my life is beyond my control. Some would say I need to get a job because I have been homeless and hungry. Well I have though I am uncertain why at this point. Working 80 hours a week leaves me in the exact same position I find myself when I wouldn't be working. I'm penniless and hungry which in turn means I cant get my daughter, take her to a home, or even feed her if she was at this fictitious home. the last bastion of independence... my car was out of inspection mid 2019 and not once have I been able to collect enough to manage repairs beyond tires, and brakes which kept it safe enough to drive though far from legal. Recently even that has given way to a plethora of system failures culminating in it's demise. Which actually landed $60 in my pocket as I was paid in cash for the car when they picked it up.


I guess I'm making this long and not really to the point. Sorry for anyone who had the drive to actually read this... I am not suicidal, there is a 0% chance I will go and harm myself lets just get that out of the way. I am however choosing to live not because I want to be here, or yes even exist. I am here because others are selfish and while I hold no want in this form of reality they do. I spend each moment of every day just waiting for the next. I wake up so I can fall asleep, I sleep so I can wake up and the rest of the time is just the waiting. It's hell and I am putting myself through it every day because my family thinks it would be hard on them. Honestly I know people handle death poorly but it's fleeting. Inevitably they would resume being happy, it's how things go. I don't doubt that they would periodically be sad about it in there own way, but as it stands now they already experience this now daily as they encounter me since I now reside in a bedroom at my fathers at the age of 42... in any event I could not find a term for the original question and I simply was curious how to best describe myself not that it is of great consequence and I suppose I should have just made this post 2 lines, but it forced my to type more.





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