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What I really feel. North east depression

I'm a 37yr old overweight bald bearded gay man from a little town in front he north east of england.

For so long I've just felt a numbness inside where I don't feel I should be here anymore. I don't want to keep going day after day putting on the false smile. Saying the same reply to how are you.

As good as I have to be.

I constantly have it in the back of my mind that the world would be a better place without me needing to be here.

I only stay to not put my brother though another loss so soon after out mam passed. But I know I can't be here much longer as the world feels like a place I'm forcing myself to continue being.