She is perfection.Have you ever walked at dawn along the seashore just as the sun comes up, it is warm and the orange and gold rays burst over the horizon, it is still, no people just nature, the gentle lapping of the sea at the shore, the promise of a day not yet decided but full of hope.Walk through an orchard or meadow, smell the sweet fruits, the flowers, hear the buzz of a bee, see a bird above and hear the chirping in the trees.Such peace, such pleasure in the things that are just there, you can imagine such scenes and if ever you experienced them, and similar, you know beyond words, there is some indefinable something. That is her, I have tried to shove thoughts aside, and I know, if I was single, if I were younger, childless, followed her religion, maybe better looking too, maybe funnier.....then maybe. But, I am not those things, and they are things that I have brought myself to, or arrived at, or just am.I can change how I look and that alone would not be enough, I cannot be childless, nor would I want to be. I could be single but if more than a decade unhappy has been survived in order to make someone else happy, then would I end that now, knowing I do not go to the one I love, but to nothing at all, making pain and distress in more ways than emotional? I could hardly do that. And I certainly cannot wipe off ten years or so from my age. And it is rather strange in that regard to consider how I feel for her, given that had we met 10 years ago, I would not have considered a girl her age then for a moment, yet now, she consumes my thoughts daily.I know undoubtedly that I would do everything I could to make her happy, and I mean everything, even since meeting her I have become better, pushing myself to be more, learning, getting in shape again, less cursing, being more attentive to people.I am destined to life without her, yet the consolation is, I once met someone I loved almost as much, and she too I was not to be with. It took me 5 years to overcome the loss of her, and so I at least know I will get over this, of course much harder seeing as I regularly see her, and every time I do, I want to matter to her, well enough so she wants to see me, asks me how I am when we aren't together, yet I know it isn't going to be, we will get on but that is it.I shouldn't ever have told her I like her, at least though she will never know I love her.I can't help but wish I could be put in a situation to do something that showed how much she means, and in months she will be gone anyway for at least a few months if not more, how will that goodbye feel? It would do better if i never saw her again. I want that at the same time as I don't want that.I hope i can just focus on work, on home, on everything and anything but her to get over this overbearing weight of love.

She is perfection.Have you ever walked at dawn along the seashore just as the sun comes up, it is warm and the orange and gold rays burst over the horizon, it is still, no people just nature, the gentle lapping of the sea at the shore, the promise of a day not yet decided but full of hope.Walk through an orchard or meadow, smell the sweet fruits, the flowers, hear the buzz of a bee, see a bird above and hear the chirping in the trees.Such peace, such pleasure in the things that are just there, you can imagine such scenes and if ever you experienced them, and similar, you know beyond words, there is some indefinable something.That is her, I have tried to shove thoughts aside, and I know, if I was single, if I were younger, childless, followed her religion, maybe better looking too, maybe funnier.....then maybe. But, I am not those things, and they are things that I have brought myself to, or arrived at, or just am.I can change how I look and that alone would not be enough, I cannot be childless, nor would I want to be. I could be single but if more than a decade unhappy has been survived in order to make someone else happy, then would I end that now, knowing I do not go to the one I love, but to nothing at all, making pain and distress in more ways than emotional? I could hardly do that. And I certainly cannot wipe off ten years or so from my age.And it is rather strange in that regard to consider how I feel for her, given that had we met 10 years ago, I would not have considered a girl her age then for a moment, yet now, she consumes my thoughts daily.I know undoubtedly that I would do everything I could to make her happy, and I mean everything, even since meeting her I have become better, pushing myself to be more, learning, getting in shape again, less cursing, being more attentive to people.I am destined to life without her, yet the consolation is, I once met someone I loved almost as much, and she too I was not to be with. It took me 5 years to overcome the loss of her, and so I at least know I will get over this, of course much harder seeing as I regularly see her, and every time I do, I want to matter to her, well enough so she wants to see me, asks me how I am when we aren't together, yet I know it isn't going to be, we will get on but that is it.I shouldn't ever have told her I like her, at least though she will never know I love her.I can't help but wish I could be put in a situation to do something that showed how much she means, and in months she will be gone anyway for at least a few months if not more, how will that goodbye feel? It would do better if i never saw her again. I want that at the same time as I don't want that.I hope i can just focus on work, on home, on  everything and anything but her to get over this overbearing weight of love.