I’m in love with my best friend. And I don’t mean like cute crush love. I mean I would do anything for her, anything to make her smile, laugh, happy. Anything. These feelings I have are so overwhelming and so painful but so blissful at the same time.ive never experienced love, or did I believe it in it. Until I met her October 2019. Yes I’m in still in school, still very young and almost 18. She’s a couple months younger than me but only a couple. We had this immediate connection, a friendship I’ve never had before. I trust her with everything, I tell her things I haven’t even told my friend who I’ve known my whole life. She makes me feel things I never dreamt of. She made me believe in love. All the cringey things like butterflies and heart racing, sweaty hands and nervous stuttering. It’s all true, well for me it is. And because she is my first love it hurts even more.because she doesn’t feel the same? Or maybe she does and I’m just oblivious. Little things give me hope. The stolen glances in class, the lightest touch, the times where we make eye contact for a little longer than normal, the atmosphere when we speak, the look in her eyes and how her pupils dilate ever so slightly, the way she asks me what I’ve eaten today because she knows I struggle with it, the way I notice she uses the same colour highlighters I use in class, or the small snowmen and penguins she draws after I told her she reminds me of them. Little things. Baby steps? I often catch her looking at me in class, sometimes she’ll look away when I glance over. But others I don’t glance over, and I feel her eyes burning into the side of my head and finally when I turn she smiles, satisfied. I believe she’s aware of the hold she has on me, I mean I do make it quite obvious. But she’ll never take advantage of it. She knows I’m intimidated by her but she makes light jokes of it we also joke about eachother being in a relationship, about how I’m her “girl” but that makes me sad because it’s just a joke. we have days where I become distant because the sadness that she’ll never be mine outweighs my constant need to speak to her. And it’s almost as if she can sense it because she’ll text me until I reply. In zoom class the other day for a split second she was not on my mind and it felt good that for once she was not clogging up my thoughts and I could finally focus on the maths equation rather than how cute she looked when she was confused, and how she squints her eyes and bites the tip of her pen when she is. But then ‘Ding!’ A text on my phone from her, telling me I looked pretty. And then once again that’s all I could think about. Her, all I ever think about.I am completely and utterly infatuated with this girl and I don’t even know if she feels the same. I haven’t told her and I doubt I will.