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What the fuck is wrong with me?

umm hi I guess. So I have depression and I’m a bit suicidal and I self harm but I think I’m genuinely going mad. I get these anxieties for no reason. Like I get a taxi to school and I can’t ever close the door properly and usually someone else does it after my pointless attempt. It’s one of those big sliding doors. And every time I feel like cutting every single part of me then cutting my throat. And today in PE my friend was sort of avoiding me. And so I told myself that I was going to kill myself tonight because she had abandoned me and I was cutting with this needle (I take it to school to help with stress) because I was so anxious but it turned out that actually my best friend had not been avoiding me at all it was just my imagination. And sometimes it’s just random. Like I was reading this thing that I’d written about climate change in English and my eyes just started to fill up and I have no idea why. I managed to pass it off as my eyes watering from a cough luckily. And sometimes just randomly I get this sudden rush of anxiety for no reason at all and so I get my needle and cut under the table (not so it bleeds though because otherwise someone would notice). I have no idea what is wrong with me. I’d be grateful if you had any ideas but you really don’t have to. I don’t want to be a burden to people I don’t even know.