what the fuck is wrong with me. why do we live in this cruel world? People usually see that when someone was suicidal and did commit suicide that they were sad and couldn’t handle life anymore and yeah I understand that. Others believe that they are cowards for leaving the people that they loved or loved them alone forever. My thoughts on all this is just that why live in this world anyways. What’s the point?! What is the bloody fucking point! If we all just going to die in this world anyways why not sped the process. It will hurt people but can’t they get over it. I, personally am afraid of death but I want to die I DONT UNDERSTAND! I am happy I should be happy I say I am happy but still I want to die I don’t wanna live and maybe I’m bias and that why I understand the people that leave the world on their own counts because I have the same feelings. I don’t wanna hurt anyone. I am a coward yeah of course. If I wasn’t so scared of death yeah it would have been the ending of my life. People will be already hearing about my 1 yeah anniversary of death. The ending of my name. And then maybe everyone will forget my name. I don’t wanna be here. I laugh and I smile when I hear or see the number for suicide hotline. I smile to myself when I cut through my skin with a sorta sharp object almost like a knife but for my mother’s makeup instead. I hide my mistakes, my loneliness... I sometimes get the courage to tell my friends that I’m sad but they think I’m joking. I envy everyone that are open with their feelings. My friend had cut I seen the scars that littered her arms but she gave it up. She told us. Our friend group. But atlas I can’t do that. For one I’m afraid they will leave. Two I’m afraid I might be put in a mental hospital. Third my best friend that I ‘share everything’ with tells that everything to her mother no matter what. So she will tell and I won’t blamed her. But this is my fight. And I do a good job trying to stop myself from cutting but as good villains that once were heroes had surrendered before. Had surrendered all their happiness all the things that make them whole. All the things that make them see the light has turned dark. And if I was a hero I will too become a villain even if that the last thing I wanted. All the good things in me as a hero will turn bad. And I will be feed with the guilt and grieve and hurt, pain turns into my super villain powers. And I see myself as a villain. A villain for even thinking about letting my friends and family alone without me. Like they will even miss me. I don’t cry. No, I will not cried. I will put a mask up and have my guard up all day and night never letting a thing fall. Never letting anyone know my true hurt and pain. And one day I will received my dreams and I will not be in this cruel dark world we all shared. And like everyone else I will be dead. Everyone got their time to die through lots of different ways. And maybe my different way will be suicide or maybe I will die some other way and not by myself
but I guess i got to wait and see until my time comes. I will be a solider of my own desire. A knight in shining armour Awaiting my faith from the higher ups. And follow all their rules in this planet we call earth. And one day my soul will be with the others that died and my body will be in the ground as for I will be living up in haven where no sadness comes and I will be reunited with the family and friends I have lost and I will have found my self that I have also lost a long long time ago. Because if we don’t believe in the afterlife what is the point in this world and then maybe I won’t be so sacred to die. And I will have been myself through out my life and death.
i’m sorry this is a LONG LONG rant! I didn’t mean too this was supposed to be a small thing in order to vent out my feelings. I will take my leave now.