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When your spouse no longer tries?

What do you do when the person you've married no longer tries?


For over twenty years I have pulled the weight of intimacy and passion in our relationship. We knew I had a high sex drive and that it would be a burden on me and even him. So, I didn't give up. I continued to stoke the flames.


Then there were issues of erectile dysfunction. I didn't push. I accepted it as something that can happen, but wondered why did it mean everything intimate had to be put on hold?


The cause was weight gain so I let him know it changed nothing for me. I loved him, I was still attracted to him. But it became an issue any time I pursued intimacy. It felt as if anytime I showed affection it was causing him inner turmoil. So I let him pursue me when he felt it was right. I still had strong urges, but took care of them on my own.


The frequency of our intimacy was reduced to almost nothing. He knew I was struggling, but never sought to alleviate the strain. His weight has fluctuated over the years and the issue improves when his weight is down. My weight has gone up too. I've had a few kids. I've aged, but my libido has not changed.


I feel so alone in this marriage. I've given up on my sex life. I've given up on myself. He says negative things about my sex drive and my use of sex toys to take care of myself. I get angry and hurt. It feels like he has created this issue and yet resents me for it. I can't touch him without negative results. I can't touch myself without negative results, and he isn't touching me either. I'd be more at peace in a convent.


I refuse to give up on my marriage, but at the moment I feel so raw and angry. I feel like I need to make the me I want to be, and he can f@#$ himself, for once. I should get healthy again, get back into my interests and build more friendships. He won't like it, he will feel I'm being selfish, but I can't bring life into us when I am dying of stagnation and negativity.


What can I do to be mentally healthy and support my marriage?

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Re: When your spouse no longer tries?

I used to fight for my marriage. I fight for so long, now I have lost all energy and will to try. I stopped trying. If he wants to sleep on the couch, I stopped caring. I now enjoy a nice big comfy bed no snoring and alone time for self needs. I used to believe that marriage is hills and valleys. The valleys turn into endless deserts... If you have the energy, if you have the will... Go find your happy with it without your spouse. If they want to join the ride... Great! If they don't now, they won't later. I wish I had taken the advice to get out 10 years ago... Now I feel stuck and can't do it. I've seen others take they leap of faith and they are living their best lives. Some remarried and some finding themselves. Sometimes you love someone but no matter how hard you try you just don't work together anymore.