\tI can't keep leaving these feelings behind like they don't exist. I never wanted to feel this way, what happened to me? I guess I have to start with why I am so.. emotionless these days. \tFor starters, I used to be in a toxic friend group that stressed me tf out. Just recently I gave up something I use to love just so that i didn't have to face them. I didn't really think much of it until now, but that place with them used to make me so happy. I was a different person around them, I wasn't so scared. I did anything with no repercussions. Now without that, I feel like I'm nothing, but I guess I'm kinda glad I'm not friends with them. I still think about them a lot though, I regret a lot. \t\tIf you would've asked me how I felt like last year around December, I would've said, "Some days feel meaningless. I can't live without him, I can't stop myself whenever someone even mentions him. What's the point of living in a world where you don't live for someone?" Now, I criticize those words so harshly. Everyday is meaningless, not just select days. I lived without him, even with my suicide attempt. Those words though... "What's the point of living in a world where you don't live for someone?" I still believe strongly in that. I never have went through my life without living with or for someone else. Is that normal? The problem with it starts with how if I ever feel weird or upset about any relationship I have, I go into a spiral of depressing thoughts. That isn't healthy, but I can't stop myself. \tFor the past 3 years, I have lived for my best friend. I helped her through her toughest moments and vice versa. However, everyone says that building my life around someone who hasn't done nearly as much as me in our relationship is really dumb of me. I don't know why I can't accept that she doesn't feel as strongly about our friendship as I do. Nowadays, she has so many friends that I doubt I'm even on her mind. It does hurt, I blame myself for being so sensitive and jealous of anything she does. I am very clingy and that's probably why. She does not live on this world to please me, but why do I feel like I live in a world that needs to please her..? Seeing her with other people, not being her favorite, it hurts. That's why I should distance myself. I know how weird this sounds. \tEveryday is a struggle it seems. I go to school and do nothing all day. Sure, I laugh, I talk, but at the end of the day I'm stuck at home talking to nobody and pondering whether suicide is really what I should do. My parents aren't helping either, they say things that make me so anxious and sad.. I can't even describe it. It feels so meaningless, I feel so useless for anything. I don't think I have ever felt this horrible, even in 8th grade when I started cutting. I guess the major difference between now and then is that I don't know how to release these feelings. In 8th grade I cut, had friends, somewhat family. Now I just.. am alone. Maybe that's my main problem right now.. being alone. \tAnother thing on my mind these days is my weight. That word even sticks heavy in my stomach. I can't even talk about it without feeling so guilty and disgusted? What's wrong with me? I go through my day like I'm some sort of monster. I can't look at myself really without breaking down. I haven't felt this bad about my body... ever. I want to stop eating, but the only thing that consumes my body is to eat to avoid my feelings. I want to wear some small clothes, I want to feel pretty without my fat face and stomach and arms and legs and fingers and... nevermind. I have gained so much weight. I think I am around 260. I was at 240 in December. Why can't I bring myself to do anything? I feel as if I don't deserve to have friends with this. I can't go anywhere and feel normaI. \tI guess this is a plead for help. I have lost all motivation. I can't get out of bed ever. I can't stop eating. I can't stop breaking apart from my friends. What am I supposed to do? Why do I only want to result to horrible things? Today was the first day in months that I thought of a suicidal thought since about 9 months ago. I feel trapped. Alone. Why.. has this become who I am? And nobody knows. Nobody but this person reading. I wish I could stop it all without seeming weak. I feel trapped in my own body. I feel empty. I am nothing to anyone, not even myself.