tw suicide, self harm
when i was in fourth grade i switched schools. no one would be friends with me and i was bullied. i told my parents i hated the school, i told them i would kill myself if i had to keep going there, i told them that i hated being alive.
and they didnt fucking do anything. well, thats not entirely true. they laughed at me. told me that i was being pathetic and needed to just suck it up. i told them i wanted to die and they fucking laughed at me.
i think that was the first time i ever realized that they were not there for me. the first time i realized i couldnt trust them with anything, unlike what they told me. i think thats one of the things that led to several attempts and self harm since i was twelve. they were small enough attempts that my parents didnt even realize, but attempts nonetheless.
when i look back on it, there have been a lot of things like that throughout my life. when we watched dead poets society and my parents said that the ending was one of their biggest fears, and yet when i come close to telling them they insult me and push me further into this hole. when i tried to tell them that i was struggling and they told me i needed serious help (i only told them about maybe having anxiety and some struggles with it), they didnt say it as wanting to help me by letting me go to therapy or something but instead as an insult, you could tell by tone. i tried to tell them again and they laughed. "teenagers are hilarious these days. always complaining about their mental health. boo hoo. suck it up." theres so many examples, and i dont know if im overreacting or not.