feel
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WHY AM I LIKE THIS

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I feel so overwhelmed by everything that's been going on. I wake up sad asf cause I hate my job, I can't afford to buy new clothes, shoes, do my hair, I work so hard only to be able to afford rent and a little food. I stopped working out, stopped eating right, been drinking more and more, getting high off weed and now MDMA, fucking reckless just to feel that small human connection bc I isolated myself and ended up pushing everyone who I love and loves me away. Its so lonley here and no matter how hard my loved ones try to reach out I still do not feel that help,love, attention and I frankly do not know how to feel it anymore (if that makes sense). Exhausted half the time cause I either do not sleep enough or I am nursing some form of hangover at work. Christmas was spent at one of my exes place, drinking and blacking out, it was just as lonely...empty, cold, full of anxiety. My mum has been sick for so many months but I cant bring myself to go see her...she still stays in the same house I grew up in and honest to God, the last time I was there I couldn't sleep. I hated that house, I hated my childhood, I hated the fact that I never had friends growing up, I hated that I was never allowed out to play with the other kids, I hated that I never got to experience sleep overs, never got to experience bday parties, never got to learn how to ride a bike, climb a tree...I feel like so much of my childhood was taken away from me. I hated how they would hit me in the name of discipline, hated how they would push me down, demean me, insult me, call me all sorts of names, attack my sexuality even before I knew what sex was or if I liked boys or girls.The thing I hate the most is at 10years of age, I was ready to kill myself..wrote a note and all but all they could do was hit me and insult me. YOUR CHILD WAS ABOUT TO COMMIT SUICIDE AND YOU HIT THEM? I went ahead and got the rope anyway but my Mums boyfriend stopped me and talked me out of it. I think he actually saw through me...kinda anyway. But like everyone else he got tired of us and left. I learned how to push everyone away from my mum, "Don't tell anyone what goes on in this house, they dont need to know!" she would drill constantly every fucking day till, by default it stuck. I would rather die than ask for help which has me currently in this constant loop. Self destruction and then some. I am so exhausted, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually sigh. I feel stuck like I'm in quick sand and cant move. Same same cycle every fucking day.....wake up, work a job I hate and am not respected at just so I can afford rent and not go back home, go back home, get really high casue probably there's no money for food and repeat. I came on here to vent cause I have no where else to turn to....christ I hate my mind so fucking mucg right now........