I was bullied at school. I have always wanted to write something down, like a diary but I'm too afraid that people will see it they will either make fun of me or pretend to sympathize. Since I was younger, I have already been a weird kid, I did not know how to socialize. When I think about it, I blame my mom for making me this way.Since I was in kindergarten, mum used to make fun of me a lot, maybe she didn't mean it but she talked about me, people looked at me and laughed their ass off. In my young mind, I question myself: why are they laughing? is it because I did something stupid? and still she always laughs about it thinking she has a great sense of humour by joking about her kids. I love her, however, because I was taught that way, now I'm a loser. I used to be really out-going, funny, talkative, confident but now I am turning 20 soon, I'm terrified of talking to people, I'm quiet and boring and I'm always afraid that what if I say something stupid, everyone around me will laugh at me and they will think of me differently. Kindergarten is just a start when I went to primary school, I got bullied because I was fat, people in my class called me piggy, sarcastically I got a crush on my bully. Yeah that's how stupid I was (still am). Being bullied kinda destroyed my confidence more. When I went to high school, at first I didn't have friends at all, I hated breaks because I didn't know what to do, didn't have anyone to hang out with or talk to. But then I started to have a few friends, that was when my parents divorced. I told mum that she should do what is best for her because my dad is a psycho, but deep down, I was really upset, mum had to raise both of us without any financial support. She was stressed out all the time and yelled at us for no reason. I began to learn how to smoke cigarettes, got my ears and my nose pierced, got a few tattoos and my result at school was terrible. I used to be in the top 5 from primary school to early high school, at that time I was the second one from the bottom of the class. I used to wish that I could get out of that life, I'd be so much happier. So I tried to get a scholarship just to run away from that life. I thought I would be happier but no, life in a foreign country is so difficult. I got bullied by people from my country because they got jealous that a few guys asked me out when I just came here and yeah I'm socially awkward, I don't know how to make people like me, I don't know how to get close to people. I'm just a useless dumb bitch but got guys' attention in their eyes. Bullying here is crueller than when I was in primary school, they pretend that they want to hang out with you, they pretend to be super friendly with you, they pretend to like you, but behind your back, they talk shit about you, telling everyone to stay away from you. I used to lock myself in my room for months because I was scared, I didn't know what to do, I went to talk to the big girl who started everything, asking her why would she do that? but she only showed me a naive face saying that she doesn't know anything about it. I was speechless. I had nightmares way too often, I missed my family, I felt like I got no one here or back home. I guess I should blame myself being too sensitive and dumb. I think about committing suicide a lot but I'm still surviving and I will. I forgot how it's like to be happy, I completely forgot now I call a feeling when you temporarily forget about the awful things in life is happiness. I know many others have a worse life than me, but my life could have been better, I swear to myself that I will never have kids because I do not want to accidentally destroy their life just like my mother did to me even though she didn't mean to.