Why am I still here, I fucked up everything...

Time Spent- 26m
24 Visitors

Why am I like this?? I was finally given a chance to find someone that I would love and care for, something I thought that would never happen, Because no one likes me at all and hates me for everything. No one likes someone who's mentally sick and suicidal at all. I fucked up my first and my last relationship because of my mental problems, And also others ones like my paranoid,Anxiety and Stress. I fucked up everything... I hate myself for having these cursed disorders and this fucking metal problem too. He found someone who he met. Which I believed that he found someone who he finally felt loved and care for, Which something I fail so badly.. He got a new gf after shit went down some months ago, He just met her believed. Im glad he found someone who he finally felt loved, care, and peace. I just wanna be friends again and nothing else but due to some events that happened like 4 months ago, I finally was able to write long ass paragraph about the problems and my actions, my friend help me send them to him because he blocked me for a few reasons which are understandable. He said he will unblock me sooner or later which I think it was lie, Just to keep me hoping and hoping. he said that we can be friends sometime later around at the start of april.. He send a friend request but cancelled due to the waiting, I was busy at the moment then it was send. I just waited and waited until I decided to give up and delete discord off my phone and laptop. I have no choice to leave some people behind the app, I needed a break from all this. I hate the fact that I was attached, I hate the fact that I was lied to, Believing someone who actually liked me. I hate the fact that I ruin everything for myself and everyone. I hate my self to the point where I wanna die so badly because I have nothing to live for. I'm assuming he never give a damn about me at all and probably was using him for his pleasure, Or probably when we met 3-4years ago, in a game, around that time he was talking about his ex gf, who I believed that cheated on him. Even during those years, we haven't talked that much but for some reason he kept on messaging me through other apps that I forgot that I used. Was there a actually reason to why he kept on messaging me? What was so special about me that I was worth that. I never in my life felt like I was actually cared for, someone who actually was willing to listen. But at least, due to my mental problems and shit, I mess it up, I think I broke his heart so many times during the relationship... I wish he told me sooner, We get into argument about stupid shit and something dumb stuff, it's either that is my paranoid or my aggressive venting, Or other things. He probably never wants me into his life again and probably still hates me for all of this even if he said that he doesn't hate me. I'm so stupid to believed that someone actually liked me, no one likes me because of my personality,My problems, my hobbies, and other stuff. I believe it was all a lie. Of course he doesn't have feeling for me at all after shit went down 4 months ago, and beside he has a gf who he met during the break up. Which I think I was that stupid side chick, or I was probably cheated on during the relationship, To be honest I deserved it because I was just a mess, I should have gotten better, I should have been a better person but look at all now, Crying my face over someone who probably never give a damn about me at all, probably laughing at me how pathetic I am for crying and feeling so heart broken. He probably will be glad that I died and laugh at how stupid, pathetic, I become. I would like to have a chance with him again but this time, I would be a better person, no longer having these disorders, and finally feeling "happy" but... If we are gonna be honest, someone like me would never have that fucking chance at all. And he finally met someone who he felt loved and care for,Which I don't wanna ruin something like that. I'm glad that he found someone.. Someone who he truthly loves, care, and feel safe... I wish I can talked to him again but that would make things worst. I hope I die sooner or later because I honestly don't deserve to be here at all, because of everything, I would never had that chance in my life again, I either die instead living enough to ruin someone heart again....