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Why Do I Even Try?


Why do I try to do my best when my best is not good enough? Why do I try when every time it goes wrong I get compared to others? Why do I try for years to be better when nothing seems to work? Why does everyone have to be better at me than everything? If I do end up succeeding, I do not want their praises. Their lying faces saying “I'm so proud” when behind that mask they are the reason for my dark thoughts. The reason that sometimes I doubt my ability to move on to the next day. The reason for my childhood trauma, but of course they will never know any of this. I stick up with the comparisons, threats, emotional damage all for what? To say what? To accomplish what? Why do I even try? Is it because in a couple months their consciences will be clean and everything will be “normal”? Then when it happens again blame it on something, maybe the fight last week, or that death the other day, all for it to happen again and again. Why am I scared to go when called by them? Why am I scared to be alone in a room with them? Why did it hurt more and more to hear their words that now I am numb? How Come everything seems to affect me less?; Maybe this is my normal.