I been always the agreeable person type the one who avoids conflicts but lately life slapped me around and i start standing up for myself, standing up to anyone who stepped on me but every time i do it i feel so f*cking awful, i always end up feeling that i was at wrong even if it was clearly not, i changed my tactics from before, when i was forced into conflict i will always be defending myself but now i always start attacking too and I'm not bad at it i just did not do it before so i been "winning" the conflicts, not by been an as*hole but been that and been right but i still feel like sh*t when its all over why? i hate it so much.
For example i just entered a conflict with my elder brother he is an as*hole with every meaning this word carry he's the type that will ruin something u worked on for weeks just to laugh at u and if u don't like it he start how do i say it, guilt trip u? he will take, change, lock u out of something that does not belong to him cuz u did not do what he wanted, he does not care if it is hurtful, painful, annoying to you if its amusing to him he will do it, he also does the criticizes everything u do to make himself feel good about himself like he is the responsible one, like he will walk pass my room and i will be doing work or a project he acts like its normal or he does not see but the minute i be watching, playing, talking with friends online he will come into the room and stand for few seconds and say something like "u wasting ur time on these things do something useful" or "don't u feel bad wasting ur life and time like that" or "u will regret this time in the future" mind u he is not doing anything about it himself, ever since i started standing for myself and start throwing punches (as in hit back with words not actual fighting), he always become lost for words and starts trying to turn the arguments into, "how could say something like that" "how dare u say something like that" "u r a back stabber". and i am just sick of it i have so much on my mind to the point i break from time to time i just cant handle him anymore yet i feel so guilty when i fight back for myself why? same thing with my abusive father, i feel like its all my fault and they are right and should have just agreed.