I've been in a depressive episode for a few days now and I hate it. My entire body feels weighed down, my body is slow and weak, my heart hurts, I crave pain. My meds are supposed to help but they don't seem to. The smallest thing can set me off and make me feel fucked up for days. I need constant validation but I'm scared to seek it in case I become like my ex who still drains and traumatises me to this day.
There's this girl I'm fucking but she has a boyfriend who she's too scared to break up with because he's really mentally unstable. She's stopped me from telling him about this multiple times because she's scared he'll hurt me, which is extremely likely based on how he currently treats me. But often we'll all be having a conversation and the guy will say he's better than me in some way or another and get his girlfriend to back him up, and if she says anything positive about me, or even if she responds to me sometimes, he gets mad. Even if the entire conversation is in a joking context.
I just wish I didn't feel shit over the smallest things. I wish I wasn't so dependent on people. I broke my 25-day clean streak from self-harm and ended up self-harming on my wrists, which I won't be able to hide from classmates at my trade school because of the uniforms. I just feel shit