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why i hate my life - s.m.

i hate my life so much. at home, at school, in my head. at home my sisters are always hitting me and scratching me and screaming and i hate it because we live in a flat and could get kicked out for being so loud but they never stop. at school i feel like shit. i barely have friends and i don’t have any one to talk to. all my friends are just school friends and most of the time, well everyday, i stay in the toilet until lunch is over. i’ve been depressed since i was 12, i’m 15 now. i’m afraid for my future because i have social anxiety and don’t know how to get a job. i’d have to talk to people and if i mess up and get shouted out i know i’ll just cry. how will i have my own home, i doubt anyone would marry me. i feel so insecure even though people tell me i’m pretty. i can never believe that i am. i tried manifestation to make myself happy but it never works because i can never feel contentment. i’m always just sad and when i’m happy it lasts for 5 seconds because my stupid brain always reminds me that i will die one day and will die in misery. i wish i could just go outside and walk in the rain and skate but my mother never lets me leave the house and i wouldn’t anyway cause i wouldn’t want people to see me. i’m just so sick of living it never gets better. the things i believe that would truly make me happy are beauty, intelligence, friends that care about that i don’t just hang with at school, a boyfriend maybe for once in my life just so i can feel like i’m not alone and there’s someone there that cares me, a family that isn’t psychotic and loves me and just constant happiness. i don’t wanna wake up every day knowing that i’ll have to look at myself in the mirror and see this person that i will never find beautiful enough for anyone to like or date. i’ve never felt confident. i wish i could. i just wish depression didn’t exist. i wish i didn’t exist. they say everyone has a purpose in life but i doubt i do. i know i’m only 15 but why is that every other person my age gets friends that they like being around, happiness, fun and freedom. and i sit at home creating a dream world in my head and escaping to it everyday because my reality isn’t good enough. the only thing i can do is dress nicely. honestly. there’s nothing else i like about myself. i just hope things get better. i hope i find someone that really likes me. i hope i fine confidence in myself. i hope i feel pretty enough to walk out of my door and not have a care in the world. i just want to stop feeling this pain i feel everyday. it never ends. - S