Trigger Warning for eating disordersI had an eating disorder throughout most of middle school. It's been 2 years since my recovery. For whatever reason all of the thoughts and urges came back in full swing.I cry and panic over food and I can never finish a meal anymore. The smell of food makes me sick, and when I eat I have a constant feeling that I'm going to vomit. I'm skipping as many meals as possible, and it's becoming more and more normal for me to not eat for 20 hours at a time.I'm scared of myself. I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared. I don't want this. WHY is this happening again. I want to be able to eat but the consequences that come with eating are too big. I have constant guilt. I feel so guilty for even drinking something like a glass of milk. I've been banned from knowing my weight for over 3 years and last week I was accidentally told and my brain just snapped. A pair of jeans that just barely fit a month ago now constantly need to be pulled up if I'm not wearing a belt.I need to control this. I need control. Control control control control control control control control control control. I have no control. No control. I NEED control backWhat happened to me..?