5 years ago I started a beautiful relationship. He saved me and made me feel like I was all he wanted and all he needed. I was naive and stupid to believe everything was true and just. We had the most connected sexual relations and made each other smile. He loved anime and EVERYTHING I loved! It was a match made in heaven...or so I thought. Time went on and I was introduced to one friend after another...tbh they were trash and made me angry to know that he would even talk to them but I grit my teeth and did my best to respect them as his friends. They were disgusting degenerate drug addicts who held no sense of loyalty but to the next lay. I eventually blended into the background and was the queen to his kingdom but little did I know I would be dethroned and devastated . Time is a funny thing. I laughed and had great memories as the years went by but looking back now..I wish I never left my apartment floor... as I stated before his friends were awful...they encouraged him to cheat on me and to do literally everything I was uncomfortable about behind my back. A couple years went by and another girl stepped in and tbh I knew just from looking at her that I wanted her dead the first time I saw that look in her eyes when she looked at him. He gave her rides to work...smoked with her and laughed with her...one day she touched his arm while talking to him as I was sitting across from them. (Being a girlfriend I wasn't allowed to be jealous...who wants a jealous girlfriend?) I pulled him aside and explained how i felt . He blew up at me and we took a step back...we agreed mutually to not hook up with anyone. Who did he go to? Yeah...her. my fears were completely right. I wanted to die..he cheated on me and left me thinking i was just another jealous girlfriend who became possessive. I was right my fears have never been wrong...you could never believe how I found out..she felt guilty!!! And told her bf and then I get a call at 10pm at night saying my boyfriend slept with his gf. He never told me...said what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me...to this day says he didn't do anything wrong because we were on a break. (We BOTH said no cheating!!!) Like a dumbass I obviously forgave him...and not to sound stuck up but I was 100 times hotter than this girl and catered to his every need. I was the perfect girlfriend. Yes women can be emotional and I was about some things but jealousy wasn't it. My self esteem died that day. As we continued our relationship I gradually caught him checking girls out left and right while ignoring me. I've never felt more ugly in my life I lost confidence in my sex skills..I couldn't orgasm anymore...he hated me for it but I didn't feel sexy...literally every woman I see I think I'm a dog compared to them. I brought this up with him and this was his response...I fuck anything...I don't discriminate..if it has a body I'm down. Jesus....what was the point anymore? Looking in the mirror I would get nauseous and cringe. You're ugly...you're useless...your own boyfriend doesn't hold you in any regard. He could cheat again ...one day he came to me and said these horrifying words...I don't want to lose you but I also don't want us to have lables... can I just sleep with other people and just not tell you? I love you but you're just one woman. I wasn't enough...I've never been enough for anyone...and yet I'm lusted over and wanted but not good enough to be faithful to. I cried and slapped him. Long story short I made it clear that I'm not going to stay. So I was about to leave and he breaks down crying begging me to forgive him. I did. To this day I cant walk anywhere with my head held high everywhere I go my head hangs knowing deep down I will never be good enough for anyone. I'm afraid of women...every time I see one or come close to one I want to run away crying knowing my boyfriend wants to sleep with them.confidence is sexy...of which I have none, I can't handle it. I've become so withdrawn and untrusting. He made steps to try and change but a leopard cant change his spots. He was my reason for living and now I just struggle day to day. How can one live a life hating oneself every day for being a weak p.o.s. that let's a man ruin everything you ever believed in? They say leave . I can't. Because once I do I have nothing and my life is over. I hated life since I was ten and predicted I would die in my 30s I'm 32. I don't belong with him or anyone for that matter. All I ever wanted was to have my own loving family to grow old with...I don't think that will be happening in this lifetime. Just erase me... I'll be okay with that. Just so you know I don't want to die because of him...its because he was the last place I could call home. Life has been horrible all around. I am simply just not strong enough to keep going after everything I've been through. I hate my weakness. I didn't deserve this gift of life given to me. All that's left is darkness.